Photography: Emily Chalk.
Sitting in her Auckland apartment overlooking the harbour is bittersweet for esteemed actress Lisa Harrow. Though she has always yearned to live permanently on these shores again, with her son and grandchildren close by, the move was made possible only by a profound loss.
In 2023, Lisa’s “absolute soulmate” and husband of three decades, Roger Payne, died from pelvic cancer. Though they had built a life together in Vermont, without him, she saw no reason to stay.
So, she packed her bags and returned to New Zealand. Her transition has been a mix of joy, and immense grief and loneliness while navigating living alone for the first time in her 82 years.
“It’s very strange,” the Nancy Astor star muses.
“I don’t have anyone to talk to. But I’m getting over this and I’m reconnecting with people. I’ve had to start a whole new life because I had lost contact with so many of the people I grew up with because I was away for so long.”
A whirlwind beginning
Lisa and Roger – a marine biologist who made the ground-breaking discovery that whales communicate through song – married a mere 10 weeks after meeting in 1991 at a rally for whale protection in London.
He was Lisa’s biggest supporter as she acted on stages around the world, while she adopted his passion for marine conservation.
“He would come and see every performance I gave when I was in a play,” recalls Lisa.
“And there was no one better at helping me learn lines than Roger. It didn’t matter where he was in the world, if I was in a play, he would be on the phone at night helping me learn my lines.”
Facing an unimaginable loss
But their fairytale life came to an end in 2023 when Roger’s cancer spread through his body and it became clear he wouldn’t survive. Roger took his life into his own hands and chose when to die.
“It was the most beautiful experience I think I’ve ever had of anyone dying,” Lisa recalls of that day in June 2023.
“The fact that we could be with him and hold him, and watch him smile as he took his medicine and kiss him goodbye… it was extraordinary.”
Navigating grief in a new home
By October, she had packed up her life and was navigating the choppy seas of grief in her new home. But a glimmer of light appeared when she received the script from Chelsie Preston Crayford for her film Caterpillar.
“I was in a very sad place, having lost my husband and our life,” Lisa shares.
“I felt like I was in a chrysalis coming out to the new me. But when Chelsie came with this film, I thought, ‘Oh, yes, I am an actress.’”
The story that found her
For Chelsie, finding Lisa was equally serendipitous. At that point, she had spent six years writing and rewriting the script, trying to pay adequate justice to the story of her grandmother Tui and her slide into dementia.
“I didn’t know if I was going to be able to find the right person, but when I saw Lisa’s audition, I just wept,” explains Chelsie.
“It was more than I could have imagined. She is Tui, but then Lisa took her and made her [movie character] Huia. It was just surreal, strange and beautiful.”
Grief shared between two women
Though Tui sadly passed away in 2006, the process of bringing her story to the big screen meant Chelsie constantly relived her grief. With the bruise of loss still tender for both women, they formed a deep bond from the moment they met.
“We provided a space for each other’s grief in this very profound and unexpected way,” Chelsie tells.
“That exchange is like nothing else in my life. I would never expect to meet somebody now like Lisa.”
Balancing family and storytelling
While Lisa was a shoulder to lean on, Chelsie’s other support was her mum, fellow filmmaker Dame Gaylene Preston, 78. As the movie centres on a fictionalised version of Chelsie’s life with her mum and grandmother, she wanted to ensure Gaylene was comfortable with what she was sharing. But it was a delicate balance of still wanting to keep her creative autonomy.
“It’s very personal territory for us – the film implicates her and I also wanted her point of view. She would share her thoughts with me and I would take them on board… most of the time,” she smiles.
With the film now on the big screen, Lisa is sad that she won’t have Roger next to her in the cinema. But she takes heart in the fact that he would have been the loudest one clapping in the audience.
“Filming the final scene, I just laughed and cried because he would have loved it,” Lisa smiles.
“It’s such a beautiful expression of what it is to be human and it’s rooted in love.”
Caterpillar is in cinemas now.
