Much-loved by Shortland Street fans actress Lynette Forday, 50, has worn more than a few hats over the years, playing real-life roles of a professional ballet dancer and Pilates instructor. The actress, who recently appeared in 800 Words, shares what she has learned about loving herself:
“I grew up in Australia in a little country town. I was the only Chinese girl in my class; in fact, we were the only Chinese family at the whole school. I never fitted in because I was different looking. When I was growing up it was trendy to have small lips, a fine nose and thin eyebrows; that was the look. I always wanted to have those little lips and hated my nose because it was flat and small. I was a ballet dancer then; I started ballet at four.
In this photo, I was 16 and this was to get into The Royal Ballet School in London, the top school in the world for ballet dancers. You sent in photos of yourself doing different positions to see if everything was right physically. I was terrified because it was all about being good enough.
As a ballet dancer, I always felt I was incredibly overweight. I wish I could say now I wasn’t an overweight ballet dancer but I still look back and see an overweight, chubby little girl. That’s how I saw myself back then and how I would’ve felt.
At age 16, I spent a good five hours a day looking at myself in a leotard in front of a mirror.
As I became a professional ballet dancer I spent probably eight hours a day looking at myself in a leotard.
The more you look at yourself in the mirror, the more imperfections you find. Just like the rugby player has to be a certain physique, the ballet dancer needs to be a certain physique, that’s a given, and I felt I was never that; I know I wasn’t.
You had to be very long and lean and I had curves. In that photo, you may not see curves, but that’s curves for a ballet dancer. I couldn’t tell myself as a little girl not to be like that.
I have a daughter now who is 13, Lucia, and I’ve talked to her about the pitfalls of becoming a professional dancer. Ballet is a very short-lived career and being a woman and loving who you are is for the rest of your life, so think carefully about what profession you choose.
Ballet dancers don’t have a healthy relationship with food. I met up with a group of dancers years ago; I always thought one of them had the perfect body.
We were talking about it and they turned around and said, “Oh my gosh Lynette, you had the perfect body,” and they all talked about how they hated their bodies.
Dancing is about perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist. There may be dancers out there – I’m sure there are – who would argue with me and say, “Well no, that’s not true, I loved my body and was naturally thin,” but my experience is there might have been that one person who was born to eat chocolate but didn’t put on weight.
It’s very hard to get rid of the ballet dancer within you. I still exercise every day because it’s part of brushing your teeth, waking up, and knowing the sun rises. I still eat healthy; however, I do eat treats every day. To me, exercise is not about being slim or trying to be skinny; exercise is a part of mental health, it’s about being happy.
When I was at The Royal New Zealand Ballet, the company recommended that I have my breasts reduced. They wanted me to have that and said that’s what I should look at getting done. At 17 or 18 years old, I agreed with them.
I knew breasts were holding me back as a dancer. My mum said to me, “You’re a ballet dancer for a very short time in your life. You’re a woman for the rest of your life.” I wasn’t huge, I was probably between a B and a C cup, if that, but that’s big for a dancer.
However, as a young actress, my breasts weren’t a hindrance; in fact the truth of the acting industry is that sadly, it still values the stereotype of a particular shaped woman. As you get older you learn there are more things in life than the size of your waist. That’s what I’ve learned about self-acceptance, and that being skinny doesn’t necessarily make you happy.
People and situations make you happy and create happiness, not how much you weigh. Eating good food, going to the movies, laughing, seeing my girlfriends and children happy and my mum healthy makes me happy.
I will look at other women who aren’t necessarily a model size or face, and think, ‘she is so beautiful’. Turn that around, look at yourself and say, ‘Stop trying to fit a stereotype.’
There’s so much beauty in people that is not stereotypical. My friend said to me once, “We should love who we are right now because in 10 years’ time we’ll look back and say, ‘I wish I was as beautiful as I was 10 years ago.”
Love exactly who you are now because as you go on you look back every 10 years and think, ‘I was so gorgeous when I was 16, 26, 36,’ and keep going like that, because it’s so true. It’s true when you talk to an 86-year-old woman who’s going to say, “Oh my gosh, you’re so young and gorgeous,” so remember that.
Lynette as Grace Kwan on Shortland Street.
I loved being pregnant because I was so happy. Your body knew instinctively what to do instead of having to let your mind get in the way. I don’t know whether it’s true or not, it could be a myth, but they say your body during pregnancy resets your metabolism.
I was lucky because I’d messed around with diets all my life and when I was breastfeeding, I lost so much weight. My metabolism seemed to be doing the right thing. I got rid of all the diets and said, “This is what your body is meant to be doing.”
My daughter has taught me so much about loving who you are because I want her to grow up loving and embracing everything that’s so perfect about her. Trying to teach your daughter, that makes you look at yourself, and you have to do it yourself.
“She’s talking about her eyebrows now, she has those beautiful, thick eyebrows and she keeps saying, ‘I don’t want those eyebrows.’
“I’m constantly telling her they are perfect just as they are and they make her special.
“She has spectacular teeth and talks about needing to see an orthodontist to get braces because apparently, it’s trendy to see an orthodontist. We went to a dentist, there was the tiniest bit of crossover and the dentist said, ‘I’m sick of seeing these girls trying to be like those photoshopped Kardashians. What you have is perfect.’
I do motivational tours and went around to a whole load of kids and talked to them about how people have used what makes them different to become famous.
Being different is amazing, so don’t try to fit into something because we’re being told it’s perfect, because it’s not. That’s what ballet taught me; it didn’t matter how perfect I looked, I still didn’t feel perfect because there is no such thing.
“When you are happy in your heart and mind then comfort eating is not needed. Exercise is a fantastic endorphin, so get out and get active and eat a little piece of cake because as that corny but true saying goes, ‘life is short’ and on your death bed you’ll remember the happy moments, not the size of your waist.”
