I hate spoilers. I guess that shouldn’t be surprising since the name hardly indicates they improve things – but my threshold is so low, it doesn’t take much for someone to ruin a story for me. Thus, people sometimes think what they are telling me is not a spoiler, when it well and truly is.
The most common example is: “I won’t spoil the movie for you, but I think you’ll enjoy the twist at the end.”
Wrong! Spoiled! Simply knowing there is a twist distorts the experience because I spend the entire film working out what it is. And knowing there is a twist usually makes it fairly easy to work out.
If you’re talking to me about a movie I haven’t seen, you are allowed to mention the title, whether there’s a car chase, and that’s it – no more. I prefer to know nothing about a movie, book, wrestling match or meal before I experience it for myself.
I knew nothing of The Sixth Sense when I went to see it and didn’t pick the you-know-what. Sadly, I also knew nothing of Gigli and went to see that. I guess there’s some helpful middle ground somewhere.
I don’t read reviews because they tell me too much. Perhaps reviewers could dispense with the star rating system and just give me one word: Do or don’t.
Another unforgivable transgression in this respect is the trailer, the short clip that promotes an upcoming TV show or film. I hate them and try to avoid them. The sad fact is that to capture an audience’s attention and lure them in, often crucial images or scenes are revealed during these vignettes.
To me, these are simply a series of clues allowing me to piece together much of the plot as I watch the show itself.
For example: If there’s a distinctive scene with Daniel Craig, you know his character must remain alive until that scene plays out, therefore removing a lot of tension in earlier scenes. Similarly, if there’s a distinctive scene with Steven Seagal, you may have chosen the wrong movie!
DVD covers commit the same sin by showing still images of certain scenes on the cover. I dislike this, so to avoid garnering any clues when renting, I ring ahead and ask them to put the DVD into a brown paper bag for collection. In addition, whoever serves me is told to make no eye contact or eyebrow movements.
I realise I am fighting a losing battle. Not only does the modern attention deficit mean movie studios must essentially show every single good bit of a movie when promoting it, but there are also people who just enjoy revealing spoilers. It’s as if that by ruining my life, they may somehow enrich their own.
A memory of such a person is etched into my mind. I’ll never forget the way they destroyed one of my most treasured reading experiences, when they revealed exactly what became of the very hungry caterpillar.
