**Dear Diane,
**We adopted our daughter 25 years ago and although it was meant to be an open arrangement, her birth mother eventually drifted away to a new relationship in another town and contact with my daughter gradually ceased. Needless to say, along came Facebook and the next thing I knew, they were in touch again. My daughter has two little children and all of a sudden her birth mother is acting like a full-on grandmother to them and they adore it. She’s showering them with gifts but I’m scared she’ll disappear again and I don’t want to see them get hurt. My daughter got really defensive of her birth mother when I suggested this might happen. Should I talk to the woman about it?
*Emily, by email
*
**Dear Emily,
**It must seem very hurtful and unfair to you that after all your years of nurturing and caring and doing all the tough stuff of parenting, that someone can waltz into your daughter’s life and take up the “Santa spot”. Your job is to keep on being the supportive mother and grandmother you have always been and, if you can find it in your heart and get the opportunity – to develop a relationship with your daughter’s birth mother. The important thing is for you not to let this in any way detract from the relationship you have with your daughter. It was inevitable that, becoming a mother herself, would renew her interest in her birth mother and, because of Facebook, she doesn’t have to make contact with her birth mother through an agency.
However, this also means that all three of you lack the support that an agency could give you. You may like to get in touch with OPAN (Open Adoption Network) to get some support for yourself. Any discussion with your daughter’s birth mother about a possible re-desertion should be avoided at all costs. It would hurt your relationship with your daughter and would not stop her leaving. Of course, she might disappear again. In that case, it’s important that you have a good relationship with your daughter and can support her. From your grandchildren’s point of view, there are never too many grandparents who can love and cherish them
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected]. Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
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