Dear Diane,
My seven-year-old son has always been far more interested in playing with girls’ toys than boys’ ones and has no interest in activities boys his age typically enjoy. He’s a very gentle and sensitive soul. For quite a while now my husband and I have both accepted that there’s a chance he may be gay, and we don’t have a problem with that.
However, my 10-year-old son is not quite so tolerant of the fact that his little brother plays with dolls and hates rugby, and his behaviour is getting to be a problem. He keeps taunting his brother and calling him names, possibly egged on by school friends. We have talked to him about how people are not all the same but it doesn’t seem to have helped and there is a lot of tension between them. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Maggie, by email
Dear Maggie,
Congratulations on your sensitivity and understanding towards your son. He is lucky to have you as his parents. (As an aside, none of his attitudes and behaviours mean that he will be gay – or not. Only time will tell.) I would recommend that you look at two aspects of your older son’s behaviour. The first is to accept that he is probably under considerable pressure from his peers to bully and pick on a “different” child. He needs you to understand this is difficult for him – he may well be in a “bully or be bullied” situation.
Once he believes you are on his side, you will be able to talk with him about supporting a vulnerable child and refusing to take part in tormenting. He will need some options as to what he could do when others bully his brother. The second aspect is his behaviour at home. I would have zero tolerance for any bullying – physical or verbal – towards his brother. Your seven-year-old is entitled to home as a safe haven and his brother needs to learn self-control. If he is hurtful, he needs to stay in his room until he has remembered how to be kind.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected] Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
