When Antoinette Tafeamaallii is in mum mode, she loves lunch dates and trainspotting with her adorable preschooler Jackson. But the moment she pulls on her black power suit and heads off to work, her focus is on death.
Spending her days running funerals and grooming deceased bodies, Antoinette is a passionate funeral director from Ōhau in the Horowhenua.
“Everyone always asks if I’ve seen The Casketeers and of course I have!” laughs the 34-year-old, who owned an at-home beauty business before stepping into the funeral world. “That show’s great because it opened the door to conversation around death and our role, which is often misunderstood. I feel like the little secret sometimes, but our work is about helping people.”
Nine months ago, Antoinette was having a break between eyelash tints when she scrolled through a job website and saw her dream role. She’d wanted to become a funeral director since her early twenties, but it was losing her nana six years ago that fuelled her desire.
“When my nan died, I wasn’t 100% happy with how her funeral went because we weren’t able to view her body at the funeral home or dress her,” explains Antoinette, who is married to businessman Pete.
“When you’re telling a Samoan family they can’t view a loved one and not communicating clearly why, it can be really traumatising. Seeing people that upset stuck in my mind and I wanted to be there to listen to families.”
Following her instinct, bubbly Antoinette applied and was offered a half-day trial at Waikanae Funeral Home, where she was given a full tour of the facilities, including its embalming room.
“Mentally, I was prepared because I’ve seen lots of dead bodies through family in open caskets, but it was still a bit of a shock,” admits Antoinette. “A week into working, I suddenly thought, ‘My gosh, this is actually my job and I’m really seeing dead people every day!’ It hit me how big this role is.”
Part of Antoinette’s role is doing the hair and makeup of the deceased, and transferring her beauty skills to funeral work was easy. Unless a family requests otherwise, she also shampoos and conditions their hair, before giving it a blow-dry.
“I’ll do a little head massage because that’s the best bit of getting your hair done, right?” Antoinette shares. “I like people looking good, and I really like doing their hair and makeup. If one of my colleagues can’t get an eyebrow drawn on properly or the lipstick isn’t good, they’ll call me in!”
She admits most families like their loved ones to have natural makeup, which still involves plenty of handiwork, but Antoinette has had a few requests for full glam.
“I check if I should do curls or get the hair straighteners out because no one likes bed hair, even in their coffin!” she quips. “We’ll pretty much do anything required apart from dyeing hair, but we can get hairdressers in if it’s a bougie style.”
At her busiest, Antoinette cares for multiple people a week, picking bodies up from hospitals, retirement villages, hospices and homes. She also runs the funerals, organising food, music, service sheets and burial or cremation.
“I even pour cups of tea and coffee after the service, and clean the toilets,” adds Antoinette, who drives a 1927 Chrysler hearse. “People call us the butlers of the death industry because butlers work for the family but are discrete and often hidden away.”
When Jackson, four, comes into his mum’s work, the youngster isn’t afraid of the coffins. She laughs, “He’s quite funny because he’ll ask, ‘How many dead people are here today, Mum?’ I’m not going to be a parent who hides death. Some people are against it, but in my culture, it’s very common to talk about it.”
son Jackson lifts his mum’s spirits on a hard day.
While it was once a male-dominated industry, Antoinette says more women are finding their passion in the business.
“I’ve had comments from families saying it’s so nice to have a female funeral director or that they’re glad I can dress their mum. You have to be really empathetic in this role. Even if you’re having a bad day, when someone walks in who has just lost Mum or Dad, your focus is them straight away.”
A standout funeral was a woman who had asked for “lots of balloons”. Antoinette smiles, “I organised a huge balloon garland to be installed and we had helium balloons everywhere. It was a celebration. We’re seeing less of the traditional funerals.”
When Antoinette gets home after a long shift, she makes sure to take care of her mental and emotional health, cutting back on caffeine and enjoying quality family time.
“Even if we’ve done 100 jobs, it still hurts us,” she says. “You still have to tell yourself not to cry sometimes because a person might remind you of your granddad. We’re all human at the end of the day.”
