Photography: Sacha Kahaki
Time after having a baby can be a challenge for anyone, but for opera singer Breony Bearman, the months after the arrival of her second child escalated into one of the most terrifying ordeals of her life. After developing postpartum depression, which turned to psychosis, she couldn’t trust her mind to distinguish between hallucination and reality.
While it is an experience she “would not wish upon my worst enemy”, being in treatment was also the first time she was diagnosed with clinical depression and could finally name the indescribable feeling that had hung over her most of her life.
“I’ve had to work through a lot of grief,” Breony laments.
“I look back at my teens and twenties with sadness because of the things that depression has taken away from me. “I’m a lot better equipped to manage it now, but it doesn’t go away – it’s always there. But I look after myself and look out for the warning signs.”
Now, with three growing children and her singing career reigniting, Breony has bravely decided to share her journey. She hopes that by speaking out, she will help the next woman who goes through the terrifying ordeal to feel a little less alone.
The first signs emerge
It was at 20, in the final weeks of her Honours studies, when Breony experienced her first major bout of depression.
“I wasn’t coping with the high-stress nature of performance and opera singing,” the 35-year-old tells.
“I would look around and think that there was something wrong with me because everyone else seemed to be coping fine.”
Seeking help
She sought help from a counsellor, but she was never formally diagnosed. Instead, she made the heartbreaking decision to walk away from music – the thing that had been her greatest joy since childhood.
Life improved in 2013 once she returned to her hometown in the Waikato with her husband Mitch, 35, and welcomed her first child. But the birth of her daughter didn’t mean those dark feelings went away. She simply pushed on.
She explains, “If you’re not educated on the symptoms, you just carry on. I can be quite high-functioning with depression, so even other people didn’t really pick up on it.”
A turning point
It all came to a terrifying head after the birth of her elder son two years later. Two months after he was born, Breony’s family noticed she was saying things that didn’t align with reality. She is thankful they acted quickly in seeking help. By the time it escalated to auditory and visual hallucinations, she already had mental health services supporting her.
“It’s incredible that your mind can go to that place,” Breony reflects.
“When you’re in it, it’s incredibly real. It’s your reality, but nobody else can see it. It was a scary time. My husband wondered if he would ever have his wife back.”
A diagnosis and a turning point
In the months that followed, she was diagnosed with clinical depression and, for the first time in her life, given the tools to understand and manage her mental health. Now, she is working to pass on that knowledge to her children, 12, 10, and eight, so they know what’s happening if they ever face their own challenges.
“They know what I’ve been through,” she explains.
“Like any person, I still have low patches and I talk to them about it. They’ve developed into really empathetic children and they’re open and honest with me about their feelings.”
Still living with uncertainty
Though she hasn’t had any repeat episodes of psychosis, Breony admits there are still moments where she doesn’t trust her mind.
“I still catch myself thinking, ‘Is my reality the same as everyone else’s?’ It’s a really horrible feeling. “I remember trying to work through the aftermath, wondering whether there was anyone else out there or if it was just me. I don’t want other people to feel as lonely as I felt at that time.”
Since re-entering the musical world after a decade away, she has gone from strength to strength. In 2023, she completed her Masters, going on to perform on stages around the world. She travelled to Berlin for a month to continue her training, and this month, she will perform at the Auckland Opera Studio’s annual gala. While it has been a challenge to rebuild her confidence, with her family by her side, she is excited to see where this new chapter takes her.
“My daughter loves telling people at school that I’m an opera singer,” she smiles.
“And I couldn’t do any of this without my husband. He really wants me to sing and he wants this for me.”
Breony performs on Sunday, June 28 at the Auckland Town Hall. For tickets, see aucklandoperastudio.co.nz
