oost of us at some stage have to deal with a child who, seemingly overnight, changes from your best friend and biggest fan to someone who can only look at you down their nose and finds great delight in whispering jokes about you to their friends while you are cooking them dinner or getting ready to drive them to the movies. Who knew that one day your relentlessly positive parenting would result in your being on the receiving end of relentlessly negative children’s opinions? Here are some tips for coping with the onslaught.
KEEP YoUR CooL
Don’t react in front of their friends. on the most basic level, you are rewarding them with a reaction. on another level, the time to sort out conflict and correct behaviour is quietly, one-on-one and without anger, not in the heat of the moment.
TALK IT oUT
Choose your moment, then talk to your child about the fact that just because you are an adult, it doesn’t mean your feelings don’t get hurt when people criticise your appearance or the way you act. Ask them how they would feel if you did something similar to them in front of their friends.
HAVE A CoDE WoRD
Ask your child to work on changing their behaviour and perhaps agree on a code word for just the two of you that you can use in front of other people if you think your child is over-stepping the boundaries. That way you can simply say “pepper” and your child will know they have gone too far without a scene or angry exchanges. He or she might like to use the code word as well, if their feelings are getting hurt by someone else in the family.
FUNNY BUSINESS
Realise that in some cases this is just your child working on their sense of humour. Now is the time to tell them that making people laugh by belittling or making fun of others is not the greatest comedy device. Suggest some other ways they can have fun – or buy them a joke book!
IN THE oEAN TIoE
Don’t take it personally. Your child doesn’t really think your bum is big, or that you have so many wrinkles you look like a prune. And what does he or she know anyway? Your child actually loves you just the way you are – they just won’t get around to telling you until after their 20th birthday.
DRAW THE LINE
Realise that your child is just as interested in your reaction as they are in seeing how far they can go with their unique form of rudeness. Unfortunately, you have become the living experiment for your child’s future interaction with the world. So treat it with that much importance and make sure you are very clear where the boundaries lie.
CHILD’S PLAY
Don’t get them back. Who’s the adult? You are. If it’s a colleague or a friend having a go at you, then be my guest. But if it’s a child, it’s unfair to retaliate when they are just experimenting with their boundaries.
FRIENDLY SUPPoRT
Discuss the issue with a partner or friend and, if necessary, get them to back you up if you feel you’re not getting your message across. A simple, “I don’t think it’s nice to talk about your mother like that,” from someone who is not their parent will have a huge impact.
No KIDDING
Don’t act out. Just because they say you’re an eccentric old hippy who smells of musk oil, that doesn’t give you licence to dress up in a caftan and love beads and not wash your hair for a week before their friends come over. You might think it’s hilarious, but you will only humiliate them and, again, you’re the adult.
HEAR No EVIL
If their behaviour really is just too hard to ignore, then suggest that your child and their friend go and play out of earshot. You won’t have to listen to their nonsense, and they won’t get the satisfaction of seeing the steam shoot out of your ears. It’s my version of time out for teenagers.
GRIN & BEAR IT
Know that this too will pass. It’s a phase, it’s all about boundaries and shaping your child for future interactions with the people they love. So do the best you can, grin and bear it, and know that eventually your child will grow up to be a wonderful adult, who will one day ring you up to complain about the same treatment from their teenager.
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