When mum-of-two Kim Foster blogged about her guilt at yelling and getting angry at her kids, she wasn’t sure what response to expect from her readers.
She had written openly and honestly about the many small but very real frustrations of motherhood. The house being a wreck, the constant interruptions when trying to concentrate, her daughter kicking over a glass for the third time in two hours.
She admitted losing her cool and yelling.
But the worst thing, in her words, was “When I show my unmitigated disappointment about something they’ve done or didn’t do, when I momentarily – just for 30 seconds or so – withdraw my love, respect or admiration for them. When the frustration rises up in me and I can’t push it down or away, or pretend it isn’t there…”
Temper temperance
The response she received was an overwhelming chorus of ‘me too’. Over the next day she got more than 50 comments from mums with whom the post had struck a real chord.
“Thank you for putting in words what I feel most of the time,” said one of the most succinct.
Mums get angry just like everyone else. But, although we’re usually happy to talk about all the other messy parts of parenthood, anger tends to get swept under the carpet along with the soggy remnants of food and stray toys. Occasionally, between close friends, you may get a story of ‘Mummy losing her temper’. And there’s plenty of reading material out there on the extremes of anger that result in physical abuse. But start talking to mothers and it seems plenty of us experience flashes of ‘mummy anger’. It’s a very real thing, just one we seem slightly ashamed to admit to.
Rosie Smith, chair of the New Zealand Perinatal Mental Health Trust, says many of the mothers she counsels in Wellington and Porirua touch on their anger. It can often come from frustration or fear, she says, both of which are not uncommon in new mothers, whether they are young mums from a deprived background or older mums who’ve stepped out of their career. Smith puts part of it down to the overwhelmingly unknown world of new motherhood.
Keep calm and lose it
Motherhood often includes a sense of losing identity and independence, says Smith. “The classic phrase I hear so many times is ‘This is just not what I expected.’”
“You’re dealing with the loss of a certain identity and taking on a new identity as a mum,” says Foster, the ‘angry mum’ blogger and Las Vegas-based mum-of-two. “It’s hard, especially if you are someone who loved work and you’ve given that up… all of that really makes women tense.”
Her anger, she explains, was not usually triggered by one thing, but more a chain of small events.
“You maintain your calm for so long, then one little thing will go wrong and you go full throttle yelling at your kids, and they have no idea where it comes from. Because they don’t know you’ve been trying to keep calm.”
Often, but not always, feelings of anger in motherhood come alongside some form of post-natal depression. Other factors that contribute to anger are often isolation and boredom.
A lonely job
Take Antje Vinke, who worked as a vet before she became pregnant. She had moved from her native Germany to rural New Zealand and she was doing a job she loved. With motherhood this all changed.
“Suddenly you’re in this position, stuck at home, doing the housework, washing clothes,” she recalls. “All these things you never wanted to do; tedious everyday jobs that nobody is grateful for.”
This loss of her work life and independence, coupled with being a long way from her family, left her particularly vulnerable to depression and anger. And it had long-term repercussions.
It was four years before she felt happy enough to have another child and by then she considered it too late. These angry outbursts may come and go but they can also have a knock-on effect on the experience of motherhood. There is less enjoyment, more guilt and self-questioning of parenting skills, Smith explains.
“A lot of where anger comes from in mother-hood is also that self-criticism – ‘Am I not good enough?’ – so you get cross at your children and then lash out because they are the reflection of what you see as that failure.”
The irritation game
Of course, sometimes anger can be put down to the more practical, physical challenges of motherhood rather than the complex psychological ones. The demands of small children and the inevitable tiredness that results can tip the balance. And you don’t need to look far for studies underlining the very serious effects of sleep deprivation: increased stress, risk of depression, impaired reactions.
Sleep and Affect: Assessment, Theory and Clinical Implications, a book co-edited by psychologists Matthew T Feldner and Kimberly A Babson, describes a study that linked loss of sleep to increased emotional reaction to ‘stressors’. And it’s not hard to imagine a small, unreasonable, screaming child as a ‘stressor’.
In fact, the sleep deprivation and increased stress was pretty much the experience of mother-of-two Stephanie Dixon. A long way from her native UK and with her husband travelling a lot for work, she found herself struggling to cope with two children under three years old.
“I didn’t have rage until I had my son, then there was one waking the other one up; I was so tired and so angry… My son was also a real feisty breast-feeder so I was exhausted and completely depleted of any minerals in my body.”
The night time wake-ups and the constant demands meant she soon started to experience flashes of anger.
Anger management
That rising stress level and sudden outburst of anger is something many mothers will be familiar with. But sometimes it can take a moment of clarity to make the decision to tackle the issue. Dixon recalls a turning point for her. Her four-year-old daughter had been repeatedly teasing her two-year-old son. She’d told her to stop time and again but, as kids do, she ignored it.
“I just flipped out and went to put her in her bed,” she says, “and she ran away and bashed into the windowsill. She was showing fear and I don’t want my children to be scared of me.”
So she started looking at ways to get some control over the anger. The first thing she struck on was lowering her expectations of what can be achieved.
“I got rid of the to-do list,” says Dixon. “And I said to my husband, ‘I’m going to tell you what I’ve done today and if I’ve done one thing above and beyond looking after the children then I’ve achieved something.’”
She also took up Buddhist chanting and found the repetition and calming effect of that was “like having a reset button”. This idea of mindfulness, a conscious focusing on the present moment, is echoed by Foster. She says she became very mindful of what she was doing and more accepting of the inevitable challenges.
“I’d think, right, I know this is going to take an hour more than I think it is and I stopped trying to do an impossible task. It made a big difference – it cut down the insanity a lot.”
In her role dealing with new mothers Smith, of the Perinatal Mental Health Trust, recommends paying some attention to the physical basics.
“Building in some really strong self-care, making sure you’re getting some sleep, getting time to have a shower – that kind of thing.”
Mixed emotions
In the longer term, Smith also suggests sitting down and thinking about what you want from motherhood and what it means to you. If looking after a baby 24/7 really isn’t for you, then what can you do in practical terms? How can you arrange some time out? Can you enrol your child in a daycare facility, even just for one day a week?
Tackling these situations can be difficult, but often it is about reaching out to your partner or family or friends and admitting you’re not entirely happy. It’s also about admitting to yourself you’re perhaps not the mother you thought you would be. But that’s okay. Because you’re easily good enough. And while there are tools you can draw on to keep a lid on that temper, the reality is mothers, particularly of young children, have a tough gig.
So, it’s worth remembering that a certain amount of anger is part of life. Sometimes mothers shout and it’s not always something you should feel guilty about. In fact, Smith says, particularly as children get older, “it’s okay for them to understand that people have strong emotions”.
And they may not even consider it that big a deal when they do understand. Foster remembers one particular comment posted on her blog. It was from a mother who confessed her own guilt about being impatient with her daughter when she was small. But when she brought it up with her now adult daughter, she didn’t remember it. The mother pressed on, confessing her guilt at yelling at her kids too. Her daughter didn’t remember that either.
5 ways to deal with anger
Try to identify situations that are likely to trigger anger and manage your expectations. For example, heading to the supermarket at the end of a long day with a tired child is probably going to be a fairly stressful outing. Either avoid it, or be prepared.
Focus on the child rather than your own rising anger. Are they acting up because they are tired, hungry or upset about something else?
Look after yourself and your own happiness. For new mums this could be something as small as making sure you have time to have a shower or wash your hair uninterrupted. It could involve looking at childcare options to give you some time to yourself.
If you do feel yourself getting angry, try to recognise it and take a moment of time out if possible. This could be as simple as stepping out of the room for a minute to regain control of your emotions.
If you’re getting angry and can’t step out of the room, try the old classic of counting to 10 or taking a series of deep, controlled breaths. These can help you to relax and slow your heart rate.
Words: Pattie Pegler
