Becoming a step-parent can often draw negative comments from friends. Sure it can be a challenge caring for another person’s child, but it can also be one of the most rewarding things you can do in your life if you are prepared to put in the necessary work. Here are a few tips to get you started:
Realise one thing before you start. All families have problems, even the “normal” families with two parents who remain together for life. So accept that in all families some people just don’t get along and there will always be arguments about certain things.
Start out slowly. Life isn’t like the movies where children magically bond with a new person in their life. They need time to adjust and perhaps heal from the break-up of their own parents’ marriage. Understand that your presence certainly means the end of any hope they might get back together, which most children of separated parents long for. Younger children tend to adjust quicker to new relationships than older ones, so be aware that older kids may find it difficult having you around for a while.
You may be dead keen to bond with your new partner’s kids, but there may be limited time to do so. Don’t force it. It’s probably more important in the early stages that they get complete and open access to their birth parent in the time they spend with you both, so put your needs to one side for a while. The child’s needs should come first and there will be time for you later.
Conflict with the former partner will always make things more difficult so in the interests of the children, both of you should work hard to avoid fights and arguments with the child’s other parent, even if it means sucking up some pretty annoying stuff. In the long term your priority is creating a wonderful relationship with this child and that will happen quicker if there is less conflict.
The rule, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything,” applies to the other parent. By all means have a moan to your new partner in private but not in front of the kids. Their other parent is someone the child loves and you will only hurt them by speaking badly of your partner’s ex.
Consistency is the key. If you are combining children in the new family unit then all rules must apply to all children. You and your partner may need to adjust your parenting skills accordingly, but it is important that all children feel they are being treated equally and that you both agree on the rules of the house.
Do not use toys and gifts as bribes. If they deserve a treat because of good behaviour or a school report, that’s fine, but do not use them to win favours. All children respond most to love, affection and consistent rules.
Think of your family as a new family and start creating traditions and events that belong just to this unit. organise a regular outing as a family such as Saturday afternoon movies, or make it a game to each tell a joke at dinner. Having fun with the family will start to create memories and traditions that will help to bond everyone together.
Under no circumstances use the kids as messengers between your family and their other parent or expect them to act as your spies. If you want to get a message through, pick up the phone and deliver it yourself, and what goes on in the other house is none of your business. oany blended families have an online calendar they can all log into where they can schedule children’s after-school activities, medical appointments and other things that everyone needs to know about.
Schedule time just for the adults. Your relationship is still quite new and you need to remember to nourish that as well, so make the most of the nights when the kids are at their other house and have a date. Also support each other through step-parenting and be prepared to look at each issue from all sides, not just yours.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are all learning how to become a family so occasionally you might slip up and disappoint yourself or lose your temper. Just acknowledge this, apologise and move on. Nobody is perfect and you will get there in the end.
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