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Second time lucky: Getting remarried

How to make sure your kids are okay on the big day

on the surface, getting married for a second time has many pluses. You know exactly what you don’t want in a wedding this time around, who not to invite to the ceremony, and the pressure to wear a meringue dress isn’t quite so prevalent. But if you’ve got kids, then you need to set aside the wedding plans and check that your children are going to be okay on the big day.

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Here’s a guide to making sure your kids are just as happy as you are when you walk down the aisle for a second time:

  • Your children will already know your future spouse, so I presume you all get along, or there would be no wedding plans being made. But for many kids, the finality of a marriage can bring home the sense of loss they first had when you split from your previous husband or wife. So tread carefully, and make sure you send them the message that you might be getting married again, but it doesn’t change the way you feel about their other parent and nor will it change any childcare arrangements that you have with them. Things will continue as normal.
  • When it comes to including your children in the ceremony, let them lead the charge. You might think it’s a delightful idea to have your young children as pageboys and flowergirls, or your older children as bridesmaids and best men – but they may find the thought sick-making. Let them know it is okay for them to just be there on the day, without the finery, but do find a way to include them in the ceremony in some way. Shy kids might be happy to light a candle or be ringbearers, more outgoing children might like to read a poem or sing a song. Just make sure their involvement is within their comfort zone.
  • Don’t think that your kids won’t be interested in the finer details of a second marriage, such as the fact you are signing a pre-nuptial agreement or the fact that you are selling your houses and buying another together. These things will affect them eventually so they need to be made aware of what is going on – even if you leave out a few details such as the fact that your future husband is a multi-millionaire. If you don’t, they’ll feel left out and suspicious.
  • Do cover the fact that your ex will not be invited to the wedding. It is reasonable that your children might expect them to be there, especially as you all get on so well. You will need to explain to your kids that a wedding is not a party.
  • Think creatively about getting your new partner to acknowledge your children in the marriage without doing anything too over-the-top. Some people buy a special necklace or a watch or something the child will remember being given by your new partner on the day of the wedding. others acknowledge the children in the ceremony to confirm their commitment. It could even be as simple as your new partner writing them a note expressing how much they care for them and sending it as you leave on your honeymoon.
  • Do not take the kids on your honeymoon. It is not a nice idea, it is a very stupid idea. There are plenty of opportunities for holidays as a family in the future, this is your private time together and you may need to explain that to your children.
  • If you’re having second thoughts – and let’s face it, a lot of us do in the quieter moments leading up to the wedding – don’t share them with your kids. You will probably have learned by now that every sign that you might get back with their other parent is a very big sign indeed, so don’t put them through the stress. Keep your thoughts to yourself.
  • When designing your ceremony, do make it childfriendly. Your chance to have a child-free wedding was your last one – for this one, it’s important that your kids and their cousins or friends feel welcome, not excluded.
  • When your child asks, “How do you know this marriage will work when the last one didn’t?” respond with the reply that there are no guarantees in life that anything will work out but you will do your best to see that this one does. It is natural for your child to be worried about your future, so you need to make sure they are as reassured as possible.
  • When your child asks, “Why do you have to get married? Why can’t we just stay the way it is?”, tell them that everything will be the same, but marriage is a special kind of commitment which allows a couple to express their love for each other in front of family and friends. And then give them a big hug.

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