The announcement that a new grandchild is on the way can be one of life’s most exciting moments. The sad reality is that some pregnancies may end in miscarriage. Here are some ways in which to navigate this painful process and provide your loved ones with support.
Address the grief
The most important thing is to let your child know you’re there for them, and acknowledge their very real feelings of loss and grief. It’s important to listen without expressing judgement or offering advice. Consider buying a small memento to honour the child, or a baby book to create memories from the pregnancy that you can work on with your child.
Offer practical support
Grief can bring with it all kinds of emotions that make day-to-day life difficult. Rather than asking how you can help, pitch in on a domestic level – cook and freeze meals, do the laundry and grocery shopping, and care for their other children. If you’re in a position to assist financially, doing so can also alleviate the pressure of meeting medical costs, possible funeral costs or even allow your child to stay home from work a while longer.
Acknowledge your feelings
Witnessing your own child suffering as you both mourn can be a double sorrow, especially if it brings back memories of similar personal loss. Make sure you take time to grieve yourself and note what helps you heal – whether it’s rest, time with your family and friends or solitude.
Remain patient
Grief has no blueprint or use-by date so pressuring your child to move on can be detrimental. Instead, listen out for your child’s attempts to come to terms with their loss as time goes on, and support their search for ways to honour the baby they have lost. If you’re concerned their grief has turned into depression, it’s time to seek help from a healthcare professional.
Find the words
Do say
“I know there’s nothing I can do to fix this, but if you just want someone to talk to, I’m here whenever you need.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”
“I know how much you wanted this baby.”
Don’t say
“Something was wrong with the baby.” This may cause added stress for their future pregnancies.
“You’re still young, you can have another.” Babies are not replaceable; this baby was loved and wanted.
“Thank goodness you weren’t further along.” Why? Grief is grief.
“You shouldn’t have worked, you overdid things.” Your child will already be blaming themselves, and it’s generally unknown why miscarriages occur.
“You’ll get over it.” It’s not about getting over it, but getting through it.
“I know how you feel.” Grief is unique and personal.
