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How to help teens cope with grief

Losing someone is difficult, no matter how old you are.

I’m 15 years old. One of my best friends was really close to her nana who passed away recently. My friend is really upset and I’d like to help her, but I don’t know what to do because I’ve never lost anyone close to me. What should I say?

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It’s sad to hear that your friend has lost her beloved nana but it’s good she has someone like you to support her during what must be a very tough time.

“Most of us struggle to find the right words to say to somebody who is grieving, but it’s important to let her know you care,” says Jenny McIntosh, a coordinator from Skylight – a charitable trust that helps young people going through grief – and a member of the Common Ground advice panel.

Start by saying something simple such as, “I’m sorry, I know you were close to your nana. I want you to know I am here for you and it’s okay for you to cry or be angry if you want to.”

People deal with grief in very different ways – some are very open about how sad they feel, while others become introverted – so follow your friend’s lead.

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Photo Credit: Common Ground

One way you can help is by encouraging your friend to talk about her nana, perhaps telling stories about her.

“Talking about the person they have lost is a way of processing what they are going through. Ask your friend what her nana was like and what she loved about her. You could also get her to think about the traits her nana had that she has inherited.”

A nice way of coming to terms with losing someone is to do a memory book in honour of that person – you could suggest to your friend that she puts together a scrapbook of photos and written recollections of times she and her nana spent together. She could also do an online tribute to her nana on Facebook or Instagram.

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“Another way you can help is to keep doing normal, fun things,” says Jenny. “It’s very draining to grieve for a long time. Encourage her to do fun activities that will give her some downtime from her grief.”

Psychologist Dr Ainsleigh Cribb-Su’a, a Common Ground panellist, agrees that getting your friend to talk about her memories of her nana can help with the grieving process.

“Remembering and consciously processing the loss of a loved one is an important part of grieving, even if it leads to strong emotions and some distress at the time.

“Generally, over time, the pain of grief lessens as the new reality of life without the physical presence of the loved one continues. Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity.”

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For more information or to ask for advice from the Common Ground panel, visit commonground.org.nz.

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