Parenting is one of the toughest jobs you can ever do – but there are even more challenges when you’re a step-parent.
Making a blended family work takes great reserves of time and patience.
In step- families, virtual strangers move in together so it’s no surprise that it can be tricky for step-parents and children to tolerate each other’s different values and behaviours.
Here are some helpful hints:
Find neutral territory
If you can afford it, move to a new house. This helps create new family routines and traditions, and eliminates reminders of the children’s former family life. It can also avoid making one set of children feel like they have an advantage over the others, because they’re on familiar ground.
Allocate space to visiting kids
Providing them with their own room or even just a chest of drawers for their personal possessions can help to make them feel like they belong.
Give stepchildren time to adjust
According to some experts, it takes at least two years for a step-family to get through the rough patches and become a committed and stable unit. Children need plenty of time to get to know a new adult. A more intimate relationship cannot develop until the stepchild’s trust, respect and affection has been gained.
Make time for your stepchildren
Do one-on-one activities with them to build support. Take an interest in their favourite pastimes and their likes and dislikes. If they’re interested in something you do, offer to include them.
Expect loyalty issues
Children usually have a very strong pull to each of their biological parents. These divided loyalties make it difficult for them to relate comfortably to other adults assuming a parental role. A child may feel that getting close to his stepfather somehow means rejecting his dad.
Respect individual differences
Every young person is unique and, depending on their age, will adjust to step-family life differently. Children under 10 may adjust more easily because they flourish in cohesive family relationships, are often more accepting of new adults and have more daily needs to be met. Young people aged 10 to 14 find it hardest coming to terms with being in a new family. They require time to accept any new adult in their lives. Teenagers 15 and over are already in the process of moving away from the family and their peers are often regarded as the most important part of their lives.
Treat your stepchildren with respect
When a stepchild is treating you like you’re evil incarnate, it can be hard to respond with love and compassion. Remember you are a grown-up, so act like one. If you feel like criticising them, take time out or walk away. Such comments can cause enormous damage. Also never, ever insult their biological parents. You don’t want your stepchild to feel like they have to choose between your friendship and someone they love.
