Dear Diane,
Three months ago, my husband’s mother died and it’s had a devastating effect on our daughter, who is eight and was especially close to “Mama”. We were unsure how much exposure she could handle, but encouraged her to see Mama lying in the coffin looking incredibly peaceful. We thought this would give her a positive picture to carry with her as she came to terms with things.
However, it seems to have had an opposite effect. Our daughter cries a lot and can’t stand the thought of her beautiful grandmother being buried. She says she has constant thoughts about it and the other night she asked my husband if we knew for sure that Mama was dead. Are there grief counsellors who help children? We live in a small town but are prepared to travel if it might help.
Janice, by email
Dear Janice,
I can’t see anything wrong with the way you handled the death of your daughter’s grandmother, but it seems she has got stuck with the image of the burial. The first step is to allay her fear her grandmother was not dead at burial. This is a fairly common fear and the best way to allay it would be to give her a chance to ask the doctor who issued the death
certificate how he knows someone is really dead.
Maybe discuss with your daughter that, although her Mama is no longer present, she lives on in the hearts of people who loved her. Also, if you believe Mama is happy in heaven with God, this may give her comfort.
Put together a picture book – with labels – of lovely things your daughter did with her grandmother. That way, you displace the burial images with lovely memories of the happy and meaningful times.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected]. Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
