Dear Diane
oy son and his wife had a very sticky break-up and divorce last year, and since then the children have lived with their mother and my son only has them every second weekend.
He always tries to bring them around to see me and my husband, but there are often school events during the week that we used to attend regularly and now we don’t even hear about them.
We always had what I thought was a good relationship with our daughter-in-law, but now I feel that she’s shutting us out of the kids’ lives for 12 days a fortnight.
I tried to talk to her about it, but she avoided answering me directly and I felt like I was getting nowhere. Would it be out of line to ask my granddaughter – who’s eight years old – to call me and tell me what’s happening in their lives so I can be part of it?
Peg, Hamilton
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Dear Peg
If your relationship with your daughter-in-law has become hostile, asking your granddaughter to phone from her mother’s home and chat about what’s happening there puts her in the position of a “spy” or a go-between, which isn’t fair.
Try to warm the relationship with your daughter-in-law by offering support. Saying, “It’s really hard raising children on your own, is there any way I can help? Do you want a night once a fortnight free, or would you like the children picked up after school some days?” may give you a way back into her life and your grandchildren’s.
At least once a week, send each child a letter on a topic that interests them. Children love to get mail and it reminds them that they’re thought of.
Ask your son if he could send you copies of all school notices, so when you’re with your grandchildren, you have extra information that you can connect with them about.
Keep trying – stay informed and connected, and try to support your daughter-in-law.
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