Boys have real dangers in their lives. They are three times more likely than girls to die before the age of 21, and five times more likely to have problems at school, according to writer and psychologist Steve Biddulph. And he believes millions of boys have had fewer chances in life because we have failed to understand and love them.
Back in 1997, Steve says he realised that when women were told they had given birth to boys, they would call out “oh, no!” in the delivery room.
“People were getting scared of boys, while in the 1990s girls were on the move – going places, focussed and confident. I felt I had to get parents to be more pro-active and less wussy around boys,” says Steve. So he wrote the best-selling Raising Boys, which has now sold a million copies worldwide.
It’s a book designed to get parents to realise that even though it was taboo to talk about gender differences in the 1980s, there are some big differences between girls and boys.
“I wanted to help parents have clear goals for the kind of man you want to create. Kind, caring, with backbone and not just one of the crowd. Boys need clear and firm handling, with warmth and a sense of humour. They need to know you like them.”
And he says bringing up a boy well can be as simple as realising that boys need exercise, at school and at home, and they need to use their muscles. “Letting off steam with vigorous activity helps them to calm down, then they’re able to concentrate more,” he says.
In the recently released third edition of Raising Boys, Steve discusses some new research which reveals that ADHD and other disorders could be partly caused by parental stress in the first year of a boy’s life as well as by genetics that determine brain development. If a father has this kind of disorder, his sons have a 70% chance of sharing the same problem.
“We are learning so much about a child’s first year. The brain doubles in size at this time, and many important parts are shaped by interaction between baby and mother,” he says.
The part of the brain that controls paying attention and being calm and focussed grows in the second six months of life. Steve therefore believes maternity leave for at least a year is vital and that paternity leave helps a dad to become what is called “engrossed” with his baby.
“This involves brain changes in the father too. He becomes safer, more caring, and is less likely to harm or leave the baby,” says Steve.
Recent research in Australia found that fathers there spent only one minute alone with their children per day, but Steve says the majority of studies round the world have shown an increase of 300% in father-child time in the past 30 years.
“There’s a new generation of men, and most of them are determined to be better, more hands-on dads than their own fathers. The sight of a dad at a park or out shopping with his kids is now everyday, but not long ago it was rare,” he says.
The most important age for boys to have their dad around is from six to 14 because it is the “learning to be a man” stage, says Steve. “Dads who play and talk with their kids and do the caring – even in babyhood – find that their sons are easier to manage, more caring and have more confidence.”
In fact, he says, after marriage break-ups, men often become better dads because the shock of a split can often motivate them to do better. “It’s important that dads don’t disappear and that mums don’t exclude them (unless they are violent or untrustworthy). Boys and girls often take a big hit to their self esteem if they think their dad doesn’t like them or care about them.”
The good news for single mothers is that they too can raise boys well. “I spoke with the single mothers who’d been my clients 20 years ago, and asked them what helped. They all said they found good men for their sons to emulate – uncles, teachers, grandads, friends. But you have to be careful and aware in doing this. I always encourage dads to include boys without dads to come with them on trips and adventures with their sons.”
It seems boys aren’t harder than girls after all. As Steve says, they just need a different kind of care.
Related stories
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
