Photography: Selina Nunn.
When Christchurch woman Sheena Hemens switched on her phone at the end of a business meeting on 9 June 2023 and it started filling with missed calls from her ex-husband, she knew something was terribly wrong.
“I rang him back and he cried down the phone, saying ‘Lauren’s dead’. All I could hear was him sobbing and his wife saying, ‘I’m so sorry.’”
That was the moment Sheena discovered her beautiful 27-year-old daughter had been killed in an accident in Auckland, hit by a ute as she crossed the road in the dark on her way to work. For months, the devastated mum of three played the phone call over in her mind.
“Every time I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I relived it. I’ve always been a resilient person with a strong mind,but it was something I couldn’t stop.”
The call no parent wants to receive
Immediately after hearing the heartbreaking news, Sheena, 59, called Lauren’s identical twin sister Charlie, her son Alex, 24, and Lauren’s partner Jake. The news of her tragic passing left them all blindsided and devastated.
Sheena shares, “I still feel sad thinking about everything Lauren was robbed of, especially after finding love with Jake. They were blissfully happy and had signed a lease on their first house together a few days before her accident.”
Before Lauren’s death, Sheena was already in “survival mode” after losing her Merivale restaurant, Maison de Crepe, a few weeks earlier.
“I put seven years of my life, and all my blood, sweat and savings, into the business. I was sure it was going to be a success, then Covid hit. It was devastating to put the restaurant into voluntary liquidation. I felt like a failure and that I’d let everyone down, including myself.”
Finding strength in the darkness
With no income, savings or house, which she’d sold to fund the restaurant, Sheena went into real estate, although her heart wasn’t in it. Her relationship also ended shortly after Lauren’s funeral and she lost her beloved 14-year-old dog Alfie a couple of months later.
“I always believed the universe had my back, but I completely lost faith after everything that happened,” admits Sheena, who gave up real estate soon after and didn’t work for a year as she negotiated her grief.
Despite feeling “desolate”, there was a reserve of strength deep within.
“Within a few weeks of Lauren’s accident, I remember saying, ‘I’m not going to be a victim to my grief or let it define me,’ even though it’s a hard journey.”
Finding purpose after loss
She also wondered if she’d ever become the high-functioning, energetic woman she used to be and eventually realised she wouldn’t.
“I’m a different woman now. Losing a child isn’t something you get over. I’ll always be Lauren’s mum, but I don’t want to be defined only as a grieving mother. That’s part of who I am, but it’s not all of who I am.”
Finding a passion for public speaking, she started delivering talks and workshops, and consulting about grief and resilience, including in the workplace. From there, she set up her own consultancy business and now she’s writing her memoir.
She explains, “I realised I have some valuable tools to pass on and strategies that helped me survive, and I can share the unexpected consequences or silver linings that grow out of the toughest times.”
Creating change in Lauren’s name
Sheena’s most important mission is one inspired by Lauren herself. She’s launched a petition calling for New Zealand’s bereavement leave to be increased from three days to 10 when immediate family members die.
“We have 10 days’ domestic violence leave in New Zealand and 26 weeks’ parental leave, yet if your child dies, you get just three days,” tells Sheena, adding it was heartbreaking to see Charlie, 30, expected back at work three days after losing her twin sister.
“It simply doesn’t make sense. “No grieving family should be forced to take unpaid leave if they can’t afford it and three days is nowhere near enough time to grieve, plan a funeral, then go back to work as if nothing has happened.”
Sheena hopes the petition will lead to an MP’s member’s bill, with the proposed bereavement leave changes eventually becoming law, creating a legacy for both herself and Lauren.
“I feel Lauren has her hand in the small of my back, pushing me forward,” smiles Sheena.
“I think about her every day, and try to honour her by living, helping others and being the best version of me that I can. Lauren would be proud.”
Visit sheenahemens.com to sign the bereavement leave petition.
