Nothing can top the moment Shaneel Lal found out Aotearoa was banning gay conversion therapy. The news marked a monumental breakthrough for queer youth and would see the 23-year-old featured in Vogue and named Young New Zealander Of The Year (YNZOTY) for leading the movement to pass the legislation.
Now, for the first time, Shaneel –who identifies as nonbinary – is sharing how their all-consuming activism efforts stem from a traumatic upbringing, which saw them tormented, beaten with Bibles and whipped from age seven in attempts to change their identity.
“People have no idea what my life was like before I became a public figure,” reflects Shaneel ahead of releasing their memoir One Of Them. “I was described as ‘formidable’, so I put up that persona to be taken seriously by media and politicians. Young people were looking up to me, so I couldn’t admit my life’s falling apart.”
Having people look up to them is the opposite of Shaneel’s childhood in Fiji, where they were growled at for sewing clothes for dolls and smacked for painting their toenails. Sensing they were different but lacking knowledge about other identities, Shaneel’s only glimpse into queer life was trans local Vicky, who was constantly abused and harassed.
Shaneel, who’s of Fiji and Indian heritage, also began getting teased. Their parents stopped showing affection and increasingly shamed their child’s feminine traits.
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With older sister Sweta in Fiji.
“They’d grown up in conservative, religious Fiji, being taught queerness was evil,” says Shaneel. “Even if they wanted to support me, they’d be thrown out of the village. I had an ultimatum – change who you are or your family will disown you and you’ll burn in hell.
“The idea of losing everything was terrifying. I’d also seen Vicky being abused and realised, ‘If you be yourself, that’s your reality’. So when my elders offered conversion therapy, it gave me hope I could avoid that life.”
But what began as prayers to rid Shaneel of “evil spirits” progressed to violence. At nine, Shaneel was whipped so brutally at a temple, they bled and vomited.
In those gut-wrenching times, Shaneel discovered Lady Gaga. “My conversion therapy had just turned violent, so I was in a dark place, then Lady Gaga dropped the Telephone video and I wanted to be her. Then seeing Bad Romance, where she tied a man to a bed and burnt it, I thought, ‘Fab, I wanna do that!’
“I realised Lady Gaga was a freak and celebrated for it. I thought, ‘Maybe there’s a world where you can be a freak and won’t be abused’.”
When Shaneel got internet access at 11, they googled “two boys kissing”, took an “Am I gay?” quiz and concluded they were gay.
But despite never coming out, a high school teacher pounded them with a Bible, then told them to snap themselves with a rubber band any time they felt attracted to boys. That couldn’t stop Shaneel falling for schoolmate Zahid, but the two were violently beaten after being caught kissing. Shaneel contemplated suicide but couldn’t put their mother through such grief.
The family eventually moved to Auckland, where Shaneel experienced racism and homophobia at school. And although they found joy at events like the Big Gay Out, and enjoyed secret dates and formed romantic connections, a sexual assault left them scarred.
Leading Auckland’s pride march in 2021.
Their saving grace was discovering the power of activism, most notably when an anti-conversion therapy speech Shaneel delivered to Youth Parliament in 2019 went viral and gave Shaneel newfound purpose.
“Every person who hurt me was preparing me for this day,” they write in One Of Them.
Turning their “pain into power”, Shaneel dedicated everything to the movement, despite personal circumstances igniting more suicidal thoughts at 19.
Watching the bill pass felt euphoric. “I almost went into a state of mourning after that because so much of my identity was wrapped around banning conversion therapy. I’m figuring out what my purpose is now.”
Shaneel’s studying law, contemplating running for Parliament in 2026 and would love a TV show. Currently single, they don’t feel confined to one gender, but they avoid labels. Meanwhile, they’re dealing with lifelong trauma.
“I started waking up crying. My body’s absorbed so much that it’s forcefully purging itself. I may have PTSD and probably need therapy.”
Shaneel continues to face racism and discrimination. They often dull their style to avoid public harassment and almost didn’t attend the New Zealander of the Year Awards due to threats from anti-trans groups. But they’re grateful for the title.
Winning Young New Zealander of the Year.
“Vicky showed me if I accepted being queer, I’d be spat on and face slurs. Winning YNZOTY shifted the narrative from being abused to celebrated.”
Shaneel’s also been celebrated globally, featured on vogue.com, but there’s one place they may never be applauded – at home.
“I’ve figured out a lot in life… My relationship with my parents, I haven’t. If they aren’t willing to cooperate, I guess I’ll have to let them go.”
If you’re struggling with your mental health, text or call 1737 at any time to speak to a trained counsellor for free. For the Suicide Crisis Helpline, visit 0508 TAUTOKO. In an emergency, dial 111.
