As I sat in the coffee group with my two beautiful children, surrounded by other mums, I suddenly realised that all I felt was emptiness. I missed my old single life back in London, where I had met my Kiwi partner David* in 2002.
When we got together, I immediately loved how strong-willed and sensible he was, and how he was the kind of man I needed in my life. I got pregnant not long after. It was a pleasant surprise – I’d always wanted kids – and we decided to move to New Zealand.
When we arrived in Auckland in 2003, seeing Rangitoto Island and the blue of the sea took my breath away. our son Sam* was born soon after and, as a full-time mum, I joined coffee groups to meet others like me.
But I soon began to ask myself, “Is this all there is?'” one day a mum and I drank champagne in the afternoon, then took party pills and went clubbing that night when our partners could take the children. It became a pattern and David didn’t like how tired it made me and how much money was wasted.
I had our daughter Rosa* in 2005, but I didn’t breast-feed her – I wanted to be able to go out and party. The first time I saw people smoking P at a party, I gravitated towards them. The next day I felt the full impact of the P I’d smoked – it was such a thrill that I could stay awake for so long. I felt like a Supermum. I would get home from clubbing, then look after the children all day.
After two months of using P on the weekends, I began saving some for weekdays. Soon I was going without sleep for days. But when I didn’t have any P, I was exhausted. I became dishonest, lying about where I’d been and what I’d done.
David would give me money for housekeeping and I’d skimp on the groceries so I’d have enough money for P. Initially, I spent about $150 a week but it soon climbed. It didn’t help that I was hanging out with dealers. Drugs were my lover and my best friend.
With P, I felt like I was perfect – I always had a tidy house and dinner on the table. During this time, other P users would sometimes warn me to stop. “You don’t belong in this world,” they said. “You have no idea what it’s doing to you.” But I thought I had it under control – that I was different.
But sometimes things would happen that would remind me of the huge risks I was taking. For instance, once I was so tired after an exhausting weekend, I fell asleep on the sofa while the kids were still awake. David was at work. I put on a DVD for the children, then lay down for what I thought was a minute. I woke up three hours later and toddler Sam was in baby Rosa’s cot. He’d pulled the mattress out and was jumping on her. That was a real shock.
At the end of 2006, it all came to a head. David had been giving me money for the children’s daycare but I’d spent it on P. The daycare people called me and said unless I paid overdue fees of $1000 the next day, the kids couldn’t come back. I desperately didn’t want to tell David but I had to do it. He was shocked and told me I needed help.
By then, I d been on P for six months. We tried counselling for my addiction and our relationship but, minutes before our first appointment, I was secretly smoking P in the toilets. It was clear counselling wasn’t enough so I went into detox.
The day I went in, David and I split up. He’d always been a good dad and I think he was really scared. His parents were very good and pitched in with the kids. I believe he did the right thing by splitting up with me. I had to deal with this on my own. It was very painful. I even had my 27th birthday in detox. It was just a place to eat, sleep and go cold turkey, but after a week I was drug-free. Then I did a drug-free programme for 12 weeks. It worked well and I learned a lot about what had been happening with me.
After five months without P, I had a crisis with my visa. Because I had entered New Zealand as David’s partner and we’d broken up, I was told I might have to leave. I was so stressed that I went straight back to P. For four weekends in a row, I couldn’t get enough of it. It nearly killed me but, in a strange way, I got it out of my system.
The children visited on the fourth weekend of my mammoth P-taking spree and I was so disgusted with myself that I felt they would be better off without me. I took an overdose of all the pills I could find and passed out. The next morning, I woke up and was very ill. I knew I had to keep trying to get P out of my life.
I’d heard about the Higher Ground programme and how it had changed addicts’ lives. So last June, I went in for a four-month stay. It’s an amazing place where I learned a lot. I was in the right frame of mind to quit, and before long, I was itching to get out and start afresh.
While there, I met some amazing people, including mums on a similar journey to my own. I learned how to create real lasting friendships without drugs. Now I’m free of drugs and alcohol, and I’m growing daily as a person. But it’s hard looking back and seeing all the damage that I’ve done.
I can’t believe how much P changed the way I look. It even changed the shape of my face. I ended up with sunken cheeks and had to have four teeth pulled out.The kids live with their dad and I see them every second weekend. My relationship with them is great now. I’m working towards having them back 50-50 but I’m doing it very carefully and slowly.
It’s painful, knowing how much I love my children, to realise I put P first. My son is four now and he always asks if oummy is better yet. It brings tears to my eyes. But my kids remind me that I’ve got so much of my life left. I’ve found the courage to put P behind me, to fight and stay alive – for my family. As told to Jan Morgan
- Names have been changed.
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