Jack Rollins seems like a typical Kiwi bloke. He likes a beer and hanging out with his mates, while his boyish good looks and deep, booming voice make him a hit with the girls. But Jack has a secret that makes him far from typical. The Wellington resident was actually born female and is currently making the transition to becoming a man.
“For years, I tried to be a girl,” explains the 23-year-old bicycle mechanic. “I tried to grow my hair and wear more feminine clothes. But it didn’t work. I thought, ‘If I have to try so hard to be a girl, then, deep down, I’m probably not one.”
There are very few female-to-male transgender people in New Zealand and the subject is rarely raised. Jack wants to break this silence and help others understand the experience. Female to male sex change has been in the spotlight lately. First, there Cher’s daughter Chastity became Chaz, then news broke that the daughter of Hollywood power couple Warren Beatty and Annette Bening is living life as a man.
Kathlyn (18) is now known as Stephen. But Jack doesn’t feel the publicity has made much of a difference. “The Hollywood connection sparked interest but it hasn’t changed perceptions,” he explains. “I want to put a Kiwi face to something many youngsters go through.”
Jack, who was raised as a girl named oaisey, remembers feeling different when he was just two years old. “oy parents would try to make me wear dresses but I’d refuse to. If I did put one on, I wouldn’t stay in it,” he recalls. “But by the time I started school, they just let me wear what I wanted, which was boyish clothes. I was really stubborn like that!
“However, things got more confusing as I grew older because people around me, and society in general, demanded that I conform to a gender stereotype – and I couldn’t do it.”
Despite putting up with teasing and bullying throughout childhood, Jack took some comfort from the label “tomboy”. The teenage years were even more difficult, however, because the older Jack got, the more confused he became, and the more curiosity he encountered.
“Strangers used to come up to me and then make bets with each other on whether I was a boy or a girl,” he says.
Although he had boyfriends during those years, inside, Jack says he still felt like a man trapped in a female body. “Being physically intimate with boys just didn’t feel right to me. I felt like a gay man whenever I was with a guy. That perplexed me for a number of years. I simply couldn’t understand why having sex with the opposite gender would make me feel like I was gay.”
In his late teens, Jack moved to Australia and it was there he finally faced up to his true identity. By that time he was sleeping with women and facing a new label of “lesbian” which, once again, didn’t fit with who he felt he was at heart.
“It was scary because I was forced to face some really important questions about my gender,” Jack explains. “oy gender is the fundamental formula of who I am, both physically and emotionally, and to question that was extremely hard.”
Feeling confused and under pressure, Jack fell into a downward spiral of denial and depression.He says, “It eventually came to a point where I had to either deal with it or die. I was self-destructing at a terrible pace and couldn’t face up to what was wrong. I was drinking, taking drugs, attempting suicide, self-harming, getting involved in crime – but, above all, I was very angry all the time.”
The turning point for Jack was when his female ex-partner decided to have a sex change and become male. Jack instantly knew that was the answer for him too.
“Realising that option was out there gave me a lot to think about. I was grateful there was something that could help me. Until then, it hadn’t occurred to me that this was something I could actually do.”
Last year, Jack returned to New Zealand and started taking the male hormone testosterone, which gave him broader shoulders, more muscles and a deeper voice, while also stopping menstruation.
Although telling his family was difficult, Jack says they’ve accepted his decision. Despite his changing appearance, Jack is still physically a woman. He has to bind his breasts every morning and is currently saving for surgery – he wants to undergo a full mastectomy and hysterectomy to complete his transformation.
Like many who have female-to-male operations, Jack has opted not to get a penis as a surgically constructed one is unlikely to be functional. Jack is so convincing as a man that only a small group of close friends knows he was born a girl, and when he goes out to the pub, women sometimes flirt with him. He says, “The way I’m viewed in society now feels more comfortable to me. To be seen as male everywhere I go and have nobody question it feels very liberating to me. Now, when I choose to tell someone, they often don’t believe me!
“I’m finally at a point where I don’t hate my body any more,” Jack continues. “I can wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and like what I see.”
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