It took just a split second for a horse to rob Debbie Barker of her personality and her friends. one moment the 32-year-old was smiling warmly as the inquisitive mare sniffed at an empty feed bucket. The next, she was sent reeling when the horse suddenly jerked its head up and smashed into her face.
Although there was only minor damage on the outside, that glancing blow two years ago was enough to turn Debbie from a fun-loving, happy, energetic young woman into a moody, despondent stranger. She can also no longer ride the horses at the animal rescue centre she runs because even the slightest knock could cause enormous damage to her now-fragile brain.
And tragically, most of her friends cannot cope with the huge changes to her personality. All Debbie has for companionship are the 28 horses, three goats and her little dog Foxy, who live with her at the centre in Kumeu, near Auckland.
“Before, I was such a happy-go-lucky person. Now I feel like I’ve got anger issues because the slightest little thing can make me fly off the handle. I’ve got a short fuse,” she says sadly. “I can’t stand to be around lots of noise, like parties or the races. I just don’t feel fun to be around any more.
“one friend told me they missed me. In a way I understood what they meant. I miss me too. I’m not myself anymore and, in all honesty, I don’t really like the new me either. This me has anger issues and bursts into tears for no reason. I miss the old me but I just don’t know how to get that back.”
After her head injury, Debbie saw several specialists, but they were only able to offer one solution – medication. “I feel like I rattle when I move now,” sighs Debbie, who takes nine different pills a day. “I’ve had a headache for the last two years and it’s nothing like I’ve ever had before. I used to get migraines and this is even worse than that. “I have feelings that aren’t true feelings – I can get really upset over something I don’t care much about.” She also has to live with ongoing fatigue, mood swings, temper tantrums, blackouts and lapses in her memory.
But one of the harshest results of her injury is the loss of her old friends, who no longer recognise the new Debbie.A few mates have stuck by her but many have not, and a despondent Debbie says the horses have been her lifeline, helping her cope with the new isolation.
Debbie has always had a natural affinity with horses. She’s been riding since she was nine and has “horse whisperer” skills, which proved vital when she started the Auckland Horse Havan in 2006. The lifestyle block provides shelter for retired racehorses and horses whose owners can no longer care for them.
“Horses are pretty easy to understand as long as you’re listening. They’ve got body language just like we have. They tell us what’s wrong with them. It’s up to us as people to understand what they’re saying,” she says. “They are like your best friend. They are so forgiving – so willing to accept you as you are. It’s exactly how a partnership should be.”
Debbie, who also suffered epilepsy as a child, has been told by ACC that she is not to ride horses because of the high risk of another head injury.Doctors have no idea when – or even if – she will recover from the accident and find herself again.Until then, she’s speaking out in the hope it will help people understand the painful legacy of a head injury and the personality changes some victims suffer.
“In all honesty, I want it to go away. I’m tired of feeling bad and not being able to do everything I want to,” she says. “People think that having a brain injury must mean you’re a bit slow and not right in the head. At times, that’s how I feel. When I say, ‘I’m sorry, I have a brain injury, can you repeat that please’, they look to see if I have an axe in my head or something to show I’m not all there.
“But the only real signs are on the inside. I am a big believer in not judging anyone until you know all the facts. So to anyone who thinks brain injury isn’t a big deal, walk a mile in my shoes, and then see how you feel about it.”
Related stories
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
