“My half Samoan, half Pakeha boyfriend is treated differently at church from the rest of his mates and he doesn’t really have a group of friends at school. I know what it feels like to be treated differently but when I try to talk to him, he gets angry and shuts down. How can I help him?” – Year 13 student
Developing a positive and secure cultural identity can be very important to young people in New Zealand. Our country is home to many different nationalities and ethnicities. Identifying with a particular culture(s) can be defining in a young person’s development and, for many people, finding their identity can be complex.
Senior Clinical Psychologist Dr Ainsleigh Cribb-Su’a – a member of the advice panel for Common Ground – is of mixed ethnicity and understands the different aspects to explore when developing a sense of identity.
“Have you spoken with your boyfriend’s aiga/family or a friend of his?” she asks. “Do they share these same concerns? Perhaps you could identify if there are any trusted others around who may have been through a similar journey who your boyfriend could seek support and guidance from.”
Males and females generally have different ways of communicating and expressing themselves, Cribb-Su’a adds, “Your boyfriend may want to talk to you about what’s going on for him in his own time.”
Renee Haiu, a counsellor from Youthline, says, “It wasn’t until I had the confidence to voice my search for cultural identity that I actually began to find it.
“It sounds like this is a touchy subject for him, so be gentle and create a safe environment for him to talk, if he wants to, and be non-judgmental,” Haiu suggests.
“It could help to notice the positive interactions that take place with his family and in other relevant settings, and create opportunities for these to happen more.”
Jonathan Selu, from the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand, points out that one way of starting the conversation could be to gently talk about your own experiences of feeling different and letting him know you’ve noticed it seems hard for him too.
“For some people, culture is more about the families you create rather than your heritage, and this could mean a local club or sports team.”
Finding out more about both his Samoan and Pakeha cultural heritages may help him to understand more about what makes him who he is, suggests Jenny McIntosh from the Skylight Resource and Information Centre. “Ultimately, having two cultures to draw from can enrich the person he will become.”
If you think your boyfriend is struggling with low mood, check out SPARX at www.sparx.org.nz. SPARX is an e-therapy fantasy game that provides tools for helping young people with mild to moderate depression.
Online tools such as SPARX can increase the chances of young people using other support services and can be as effective as conventional face-to-face treatments.
There are very helpful sections about cultural identity on both the Common Ground http://www.commonground.org.nz/ and Lowdown https://thelowdown.co.nz/behaviours/cultural-identity websites that give tips for understanding this issue and finding a way forward. Skylight has a variety of handouts about how to communicate with teens. You can call 0800 299 100 to find out more.
