Selina Faimalo
As an “out-and-proud lesbian” since she was a teenager, Alex Faimalo is grateful her personal coming-out story is one filled with love and acceptance. She has been happily married to her wife, Alex McDonnell-Faimalo, since 2020 and, this year, the couple welcomed their gorgeous, nine-month-old daughter Navy, who smiles and gurgles delightedly throughout our Woman’s Day interview.
Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community have positive coming-out stories like Alex. But it’s a journey that can also be fraught with many challenges, with added pressure on Pacific people given the cultural and religious expectations they’ll likely face.
“Pacific people often worry they won’t be accepted and might be even banished from their family, church or community if they come out,” says Alex, who is Samoan. “Sometimes people might come out to their immediate families but still not be open about their identity or sexuality in public.”
After hearing traumatic coming-out stories from other young LGBTQIA+ Pacific people in Christchurch that didn’t match her own positive experience, Alex, 30, was determined to do something.
Two years ago, Alex, her mother Lana Shields and other like-minded people helped to establish Moana Vā, alongside its founder Vui Suli Tuitaupe. Vui had faced significant challenges when he came out as a gay young Samoan man, and wanted to create safe spaces and a support network so other Pacific people didn’t have to endure the same.
“We are a family first at Moana Vā and even if someone’s own family or community doesn’t accept them right now, we will. It’s important people struggling with their sexuality or identity have someone to talk to. We accept everyone, including the families of our rainbow community members, who value the support and information we provide for them too.”
Alex grew up in northern England, where her father was a professional rugby league player. She knew she liked girls from a young age and was just nine when she first told her mother.
“I told Mum I was definitely gay when I was 13 and she didn’t judge me at all. Mum and Dad had separated by then, and I told Dad when I was 16. He was fine too.”
It wasn’t until Alex came to Aotearoa at age 18 to spend time with her terminally ill grandmother that she first experienced her Samoan heritage.
“Apart from my immediate family, I didn’t grow up in the United Kingdom with any blood relatives who looked like me. I knew a bit about Samoan culture, but I didn’t realise how big and beautiful it was until I got here. My sister Selina had come to New Zealand the year before and it was incredible how much love our family had for us.”
“To finally have Navy is unreal,” say her parents.
Alex, who still has a broad northern English accent, says she never officially came out to her Kiwi family.
“Everything about me screams gay,” laughs Alex. “Some people would label me as a stereotypical lesbian since I wear masculine clothing and have short hair. A few of my older family members were a bit taken aback to start with, even to the point of saying, ‘I hope you meet a nice Samoan boy one day!'”
Soon after her arrival in Christchurch in 2011, Alex attended an aunt’s football game and met one of her teammates, Alex McDonnell, also 30, who was already a friend of the family. The attraction was mutual and the young couple dated for over two years before breaking up, when Alex got homesick and decided to return to the UK.
It was another five years before they rekindled their romance, while both were coincidentally travelling in Europe at the same time.
“Alex slid into my DMs when she was in Greece. After some general conversation, I messaged her to say, ‘Happy birthday! What are you having for your birthday tea? Can I come over?’ That was 2018 and we’ve been together ever since.”
Alex McDonnell-Faimalo, who carried Navy, says the long journey to have their baby wasn’t easy. “We had been trying to get pregnant for three years, and with the help of Fertility Associates and a kind-hearted sperm donor, we ended up pregnant in 2022.”
Have baby, will march! The couple walk for support in Christchurch.
Navy was just one month old when she attended her very first Walk for Support march, run by Christchurch Pride, where Moana Vā added a Pacific flair.
“Navy is very much a Moana Vā baby. So many people in our community have been on the journey with us and know how much we wanted to be parents. To finally have Navy is unreal.”
Alex hopes that sharing her happy story will inspire young people in the MVPFAFF (mahu, vakasalewa, palopa, fa’afafine, akava’ine, fakaleiti and fakafifine) communities.
“I want to show that it’s possible to be accepted as an openly gay Samoan woman and to create your own family. Wherever people sit on the rainbow spectrum, it’s important to talk to others, and know there is always support available from organisations like Moana Vā and others in the LGBTQIA+ communities.”
