Real Life

A practical guide to dealing with death before it happens

A former widow knows first-hand why an afterlife manual can be invaluable.

Deborah Wilkinson-Gray had little time to prepare for losing her husband Roger, who died from pancreatic cancer just eight weeks after being diagnosed in 2001.

The grief and shock over the sudden loss of her 50-year-old husband was almost too much to bear for Deborah, who was 49 at the time, but with three children to care for, she knew she had to carry on.

“It’s just shock and disbelief. We are often in denial that someone is going to die. We think we are bulletproof,” explains the Auckland mum.

What made the grieving process even harder was realising that life doesn’t stop when someone dies. For Deborah, there were mortgage payments to be made, work to be done on the house she and Roger had moved into eight months earlier, and bills to be paid.

“I had three children at school and was working full-time, so every time a problem came up, it became a major hurdle,” says Deborah. “On Roger’s work mobile, we had all the contractors we used for fixing appliances, mowing the lawns and general things like that. When he died, his phone went back to his workplace along with all of that information.

“I didn’t realise until the time came that something broke down that I needed these things. It just made me feel very annoyed with myself.”

Now Deborah is on a mission to encourage others to have the hard conversation with their partners and families, and get their affairs in order before it’s too late. She has self-published the book Where’s the Password?, a guide to helping families cope with life’s administrative tasks after losing a loved one.

It stemmed from her own experience of writing business process manuals for companies but it was her second husband, Ian, who actually suggested the idea.

“One night, Ian said to me, ‘What about a manual for your personal stuff?’ I thought what a great idea. If anyone knows what it’s like, it’s me. It’s something I think is a huge help having been widowed and gone through that.”

In her book, Deborah, now 64, advocates creating a log to hold important information such passwords, account numbers and insurance details.

Even miscellaneous information, such as air points and gym memberships, shouldn’t be neglected.

“Roger had a lot of air points. When I rang the airline to ask for them to be transferred, I was told it goes with the person when they die. I was amazed – they are the equivalent to money,” she says.

After much negotiation, the air points were transferred but she believes most people would have no idea of an airline’s policy about air points if a person is deceased.

Deborah is now speaking at retirement villages and Probus meetings, and most people she meets create logs within weeks of hearing her talk.

“I think it’s a case of assuming your partner knows things. But really, you probably only know about 25 per cent of what you should.

“That’s why it’s important to write it down because when you’re in grief, every pebble becomes a major mountain.”

As to how you create your log, Deborah advises people to do what works for you – but make sure one other person knows where that information is stored.

“I have mine online in a dropbox folder, other people create an Excel spreadsheet. “Everyone should do it, you are never too young.”

The six things to get in order

  1. Your will and power of attorney for property, finance and healthcare

  2. Banks

  3. Health providers

  4. Insurance

  5. Tax/accountant

  6. Investments

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