Most of us have heard of gaslighting and know it’s a type of abuse usually associated with romantic relationships. It’s used to describe psychological manipulation by one partner against another to gain power and control.
But gaslighting can also happen in the workplace. Sometimes it can be so subtle that it may take a while to realise what’s going on.
Constant comments from bosses or colleagues, like, “I never said that,” or, “You’re overreacting” may be red flags, especially if you’ve been diligent about doing tasks properly.
If you feel you’re being manipulated and deliberately undermined, don’t put up with it. Gaslighting in the workplace is a form of bullying and harassment under New Zealand employment law, and employers are required to investigate complaints, stop the behaviour and support the affected employee.
Gaslighting can have long-term effects on mental health, and leave the victim feeling anxious, isolated, confused and unable to trust others or themselves.
What is gaslighting?
It’s a manipulative behaviour designed to make someone question their own reality. It can lead them to doubt their perceptions and experiences, and to fear they are losing their sanity.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife she’s going insane so he can steal her valuable jewellery. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for the gems, the gaslights downstairs dim. After she mentions the lights fading, he tells her it’s all in her imagination and she begins to question her sanity. Ingrid Bergman won a Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of the wife who fears she’s losing her grip on reality.
Signs of gaslighting at work
- Denial – Gaslighters often deny that conversations happened or that instructions were given, even when provided with proof.
- Lying – They tell blatant lies, making the victim doubt their understanding of the truth.
- Blaming – They shift responsibility for mistakes to the victim, making them feel they’re at fault.
- Dismissing – They shrug off the victim’s concerns as being irrational or an overreaction.
- Manipulation – They withhold critical information, spread misinformation or take credit for the victim’s work.
- Isolation – They exclude the victim from meetings, projects or social events, making them feel unwanted and not good enough.
- Misdirection – They confuse the victim by giving incorrect or conflicting information.
What to do if you think you’re being gaslit at work
- Keep records of conversations, behaviour, emails and any other communication.
- Gather evidence, including examples of your original work if it is being altered by the gaslighter.
- Get support from trusted colleagues. If they’ve witnessed you being gaslit, ask them to document their observations.
- Contact HR. If you don’t feel you’re being supported, you may want to contact an employment lawyer.
My boss made me feel I was losing the plot
It didn’t dawn on Michelle* that she was being gaslit until she told her sister about issues she was having with her boss.
“My niece overheard and said, ‘Aunty, that’s gaslighting.’ I was relieved that I wasn’t losing the plot. I was deliberately being made to feel incompetent.”
Personal assistant Michelle felt valued in her job until her boss retired and was replaced by a woman in her thirties.
“I’m nearly 20 years older and I felt like she thought I was a dinosaur,” recalls Michelle.
“But I wasn’t worried – I knew I was good at my job.”
However, issues started surfacing. “She’d find fault with things I did when there was nothing wrong. Then I started getting in trouble because she would insist that she had asked me to do certain things when she hadn’t.”
Once, Michelle was berated because several key people hadn’t been invited to an event.
“They weren’t on the list I was given, but she was adamant she’d verbally asked me to add them,” Michelle tells.
“I was sure she hadn’t, but then I started doubting myself.”
Michelle jotted down every instruction her boss gave her. One day, when she got told off for doing something incorrectly, she was able to point out that she’d done exactly what she’d written down.
“Then she said I had written it down incorrectly. I felt so useless.”
Did you know? Gaslighting was chosen as the 2022 Word of the Year by Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Eventually, Michelle went to HR. Unfortunately, a meeting to discuss what was happening went badly.
“She painted me as well-meaning but incompetent, while I sounded like I resented her because she did things differently to my old boss and I was unable to adapt. It was horrible.”
When it was suggested that Michelle move to a slightly different role in another part of the company, she agreed.
“By then, I was so worn down by the stress of it all, I’d had enough. I could have gone to a lawyer, but I was too tired to fight.”
People who still work with Michelle’s former boss have told her that the woman uses the same gaslighting tactics on other members of staff.
“I think it’s her way of showing she’s in charge, but to me, it’s abuse. I hope someone else complains and she gets what is coming to her.”
*Name has been changed.
