Relationships

5 things I learned from a sexologist

According to expert Juliet Allen, sex is one of the most important things in life, and needs to be treated accordingly.

By Jessica-Belle Greer
As a sexologist and sex and relationship coach, Juliet Allen believes she was put on this earth to empower others to reach their sexual potential.
From her home near Byron Bay, Australia, she Skypes with clients, records her Authentic Sex podcast and is building an all-around sexy empire, where she shares the power of embracing your sensuality through her beautifully curated Instagram and by offering healing crystal pleasure wands and mindful sex guides online.
After an in-conversation evening hosted by Kristine Crabb at the Seafarers Club in Auckland, we were intrigued to know more about the expert's refreshing approach to having great sex. In an over-the-phone conversation, she spoke about the power of connecting with yourself, both in life and in the bedroom.
Here are five main things I learned:

1. New flash: Sex is totally normal

If we think back to our own sexual education, most of us can admit that our own awkwardness, and the teacher's awkwardness, around the topic of copulation left a lot to be desired. Even later in life, I choose wisely which friends I think will be open enough to talk about 'it'. We're surely all doing it, but how can we learn about such an important part of our lives if it can be embarrassing to discuss?
"We're not getting the sex education we should be getting as kids or as adults," says Juliet. "Culturally and collectively there is so much taboo around sex talk and being sexual."
"I just see it as another thing we do every day. I go for a walk every morning, and I have sex every morning," she continues. "Sex should be normalised. It's a normal, natural and beautiful thing. Sex is such a great part of life. It can lead to such a connection with yourself and everyone."

2. You have to be open

Intercourse is the most intimate of acts and can naturally make us feel vulnerable. But, according to Juliet, if you pay attention to your own sexual health and wellbeing, you'll soon be able to let go.
"When we have sex, it stirs something up and when it's with someone else, we can't escape that. We have to be present," explains Juliet. "Intimacy is scary. You have to be fully seen, you have to fully open your heart."

3. The main issues focus around libido — and guilt

Juliet says the common problems her clients come to her with are mismatched libidos and the shame and guilt surrounding sex. Often the root cause of this is based on our upbringing, which is influenced by our parent's upbringing – a flow on effect that likely stops us from being curious about how we can have even better sex.
"There's a lot of guilt around sex because of religion," she says. "Even if you didn't think you grew up in a religious household, your mum and dad may say something they picked up during their upbringing."

4. It’s important that both men and women work on this together

When talking about female pleasure, it seems natural to talk about the women who are creating a safe space for sex to be talked about. However, what's most important in these discussions is inclusivity. We're talking about something that affects everyone, after all.
"I don't think it matters what gender is leading the conversation. So long as the conversation is being had," says Juliet.

5. Find pleasure everywhere

One of the main things I learnt from Juliet, is that in order to have a great sex life, you just need to be living a great life. Her holistic approach encourages us to connect with ourselves and live authentically in all aspects.
A great way to connect with ourselves is to find out the little things that give us pleasure every day – she suggests taking the time to feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, listen to our favourite songs or running a hot bath. If we take time to find this, it's likely we'll also find time to explore and connect sexually.
"Self-pleasure is where a great sex life begins."
This story originally appeared on our sister site, FQ.