If people pleasing were a Christmas gift, it would come wrapped in a colossal bow. The obligatory hosting, tightly scheduled toasting and frenzied splurging can inflate the pressure to please to grand proportions. By the time the new year rolls around, even the sturdiest naysayers can feel as frazzled as last year’s tinsel spilling from the hastily packed bauble box.
“I think everyone will fall victim to people pleasing at Christmas to some degree,” says clinical psychologist Dr Alissa Knight. “There is a sense of having to conform to societal expectations as a way to maintain the status quo and not feel marginalised.”
For those prone to people pleasing, the expectation to deliver at Christmas cuts much deeper.
“The notion of having to be around large groups of people can evoke the fear of being negatively judged, evaluated, criticised, not good enough or abandoned,” says Alissa. “As such, people pleasers will often go to extreme levels at Christmas to avoid such real or imagined fears.”
According to Alissa, that commonly translates into serious over-giving – including spending much more than you can afford on others – or exhausting yourself by volunteering to be cook, cleaner, caretaker and the designated driver. As well as inflating anxiety levels, overzealous pleasing also dials up the risk of resentment and burnout.
“People pleasers internalise perceived failures and disappointments so, if an event doesn’t go to plan, they may feel inadequate and blame themselves or become resentful at all the wasted effort,” says psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams. “Or it can lead to burnout because they struggle to say no and overcommit to too many parties, family gatherings and holiday preparations.”
The solution seems obvious enough: You just stop saying yes so much, right? Easier said than done because, to a large extent, that seeking-to-please is unconscious and instinctual.
“The actual fear of losing our tribe is very real and rooted in our DNA,” says psychologist Jacqui Manning. “All humans are social animals, but women in particular are relational, meaning they make decisions around keeping relationships strong.”
Because we’re historically primed to please, that behaviour is often modelled during childhood. “Women have been taught to be good, be nice, keep everyone happy and look after those around us since the dawn of time,” says Jacqui.
“In our early years, we may have learned that making people happy induced a positive response, so to keep on proving your worth, you had to keep pleasing others.”
If that conjures up images of shy subservience, let’s just squash that old cliché right now – there’s no people pleasing type because it’s a learned behaviour.
“Many incredibly successful and seemingly confident people are also people pleasers,” explains Lissy. “They just hide their insecurities well and they pay the price at a personal level as they repeatedly forgo their own needs to prioritise the needs of others.”
And if you’re nodding in recognition, here’s the advice all three experts agree on: Practise setting boundaries well before the big event. Lissy recommends starting small – choosing what to watch on TV (rather than letting someone else decide) or voicing your opinion (especially if it’s different) in a conversation with friends and family.
The next step in breaking well-worn pleasing habits is to express your needs and wants clearly.
“Worrying that you will put someone out is imagining how they might feel without actually asking. So check in and ask! People are not mind-readers, so communicating your needs is necessary,” says Jacqui. “Do it early enough so that an alternative plan for Christmas can be made.”
Clearly but kindly stating your wishes is a healthy habit to model for future generations too.
“I think many women of previous generations held a preconceived idea that if they just leaned into people pleasing, it would be rewarded with gender-equal meritocratic respect. And reduce the risk of social discord or ostracism,” says Alissa.
“Many younger women have watched their mothers and grandmothers fight for this kind of socialised respect. Only to be slapped in the face with the reality that people pleasing only brought them further stereotypical advantages and mental health hardship.”
“Younger generations are leaning out of this and embracing more of their self-validation and worth.”
The power of ‘NO’
Tips to help you to stop hiding behind a people pleasing mask and put yourself first
It really is okay to say no. “Remember that you’re saying no to a task, not to the person,” says Jacqui.
“Saying no won’t change you as a person. But it means you are honouring yourself as well and that is a good thing.”
Relinquish control
“A great place to start the work of removing a people pleasing mask. And understand that we can’t control or change others’ values, beliefs, actions, opinions and behaviours,” says Alissa. “Everyone sees the world through a slightly different coloured lens. Viewing yourself through your own authentic coloured lens and embracing what brings you joy is what the true spirit of Christmas is about.”
Learn to delegate
“If you’re hosting, recruit nearly everyone to help in some way. Whether it is to set the table, bring a particular dish or drinks, or to help clean up,” advises Lissy.
Communicate clearly
“If you always have Christmas at your house and it becomes an expectation but you’re not up for it, then it can lead to resentment, anger or frustration. Explain to others that you’re going to do a reset on how you handle tasks in your life, so you may not be as available,” says Jacqui. “People don’t know your boundaries unless you tell them.”
Say “I”
Jacqui recommends using “I” statements, such as, “I need…” or, “I’d like…”
“Often when we speak our truth, a sense of relief washes over us. Which means it was the right decision for that moment,” she explains.
Set a threshold
“Do only what you can comfortably do,” says Alissa. “If that means giving everyone a gift card, wearing your comfy T-shirt and denim shorts instead of an uncomfortable new dress. And only going out with your friends for an hour instead of staying late, guess what? That’s totally okay!”
Don’t commit so fast
“Don’t feel pressure to answer a request immediately,” says Jacqui. “Use phrases like, ‘I will need to check my diary and come back to you’ if that helps.”
Are you a people pleaser?
Lissy shares five common signs of people pleasing
Appearing “easy-breezy”
Outsourcing everyday decision-making to others, such as which movie to see, to maintain an easy-going demeanour.
Avoiding conflict
You’re more likely to agree with, or acquiesce to, others, even if it means suppressing your own feelings or beliefs.
Ignoring your personal needs
Prioritising the needs of others over your own, leading to a neglect of personal wellbeing. This can mean hiding true feelings, needs or desires to make others comfortable.
Over-apologising
Saying sorry when it’s unnecessary or not your fault, or when expressing your own needs and your own feelings.
Difficulty saying no
This makes it difficult to set boundaries. You can end up overcommitted, stressed and resentful because you have taken on more than you can handle. Or, engaged in activities you would actually rather avoid.
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