Stretched out on a poolside lounger with her long legs hanging off the end and a mojito in her hand, Maria Tutaia is frowning with concentration. “Do I want a sticky date pudding or a peanut butter parfait?” she asks seriously. “Stuff it. Both please!” she says, grinning up at the waiter. “Right. What bikini should I wear for the next shot?”
A few months ago, the thought of ordering two desserts before pulling on a teeny-tiny two-piece would have terrified the stunning Silver Fern. “Well, if I’m honest, I was nervous this morning,” she admits in between mouthfuls of sweet stuff. But the Maria Woman’s Day is shooting on this sizzling Samoan summer’s day is very different to the Maria who left New Zealand’s shores in October, scared, vulnerable and questioning her very love for the game that has given her so much.
For one thing, she has put on a few kilos and she’s found the almost 29-year-old body doesn’t quite bounce back the way it did when it was 23. “But I’m actually OK with that. It goes with taking time out, eating and drinking whatever your tummy and brain desires, and not training or putting your body through copious amounts of stress a few times a day.
“I think one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt lately is that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable or different as a woman – things can’t be perfect all the time and sometimes you’re going to feel vulnerable or not confident. We’re so hard on ourselves as women. We’ve got to give ourselves a break!”
It’s this realisation – coupled with a few months of soul-searching, indulgence and self-acceptance – that has led to this new, happy and confident Maria. “I have finally learnt that trying to be at your peak all the time is impossible,” she says thoughtfully. “Physically, mentally, emotionally, I was at the end of my rope last year and I was scared.”
After the Ferns’ agonisingly close World Cup campaign, which saw the team walk away with a silver medal, things came to a head for the athlete when she realised that she had “nothing left to give”.
It was then she decided to make the unprecedented move of asking Netball New Zealand for a sabbatical and withdrew her name from Constellation Cup selection.
Netball doubts
But what fans may not realise is how close the star shooter came from walking away from the little black dress completely. “I was spent,” she explains. “I’ve been involved in the Silver Ferns for 10 years. It was my mind, more than my body, that was questioning my love for the game.
“Did I still love netball? You know something just isn’t right when you’re having second thoughts about something that’s been so deep within your heart, you’ve cherished, and you’ve always known and loved all your life.
“It didn’t feel right going into this next campaign half-hearted. Wearing the black dress is an honour only very few women in New Zealand get to experience. I wasn’t going to tarnish or waste an opportunity second-guessing myself and my want to be there.
“It was the end of a four-year cycle in netball, so it was the perfect time for me to get away and get my head right. The public thought otherwise, but that’s OK. I expected that. You can’t please everyone.”
Instead, it was time to be a bit selfish and tackle the bucket list, starting with one of her biggest dreams. She shouted her mum Niukini and dad Fuisami – whose names are tattooed on her goal- shooting arm – a special overseas trip. “Taking Mum and Dad to Europe was always a dream of mine. They deserved it and made every dollar well worth it!” Maria says with a grin.
Taste of freedom
“My brother Salo plays rugby in the south of France and my dad has always wanted to see the Vatican. He was born a Catholic and he and my grandmother would always talk about the Vatican. Taking Dad there was extremely special. His reaction when walking in was priceless!”
The Tutaias spent a month travelling around France, Italy and Spain, and Maria says she took the opportunity to cut loose, eating and drinking many delicacies. “Croissants, cheese, bread, doughnuts, you name it … my face was right into it.
“I just did whatever Maria Tutaia felt like doing, really!” she continues, laughing. “It was extremely liberating. Not that I am always super-strict anyway. Sometimes you need to take an emergency trip to the KFC drive-thru for a family bucket!”
Along with exploring Europe’s culinary delights, especially its decadent desserts, Maria also had to embrace travelling long-distance with her parents. She jokes that it’s an experience she’s not keen to repeat.
“They tested me,” she smiles, shaking her head. “I’m never doing that again. “Mum kept trying to act like she was the ultimate European tour guide, despite the fact she’d never been there before and can’t speak any of the languages. She kept wandering off and getting lost. We’d find her in the airport shops, trying to bargain down the price of a T-shirt.” But the trip was special in more ways than one, despite the logistical challenges.
“It was unreal to spend time with Mum and Dad. I’m very lucky to be so close to them. You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them. After a game, they’re just as exhausted as I am. They pass every ball, shoot every goal and live every second on court with me. They hear all the snarky comments. It would be tough to hear the negative things people say about your own daughter, so this trip was a great break away from them as it was for me.”
Surfer girl
Following the European jaunt, Maria took time out to visit her aunt and uncle in Hawaii, and it was here that she finally got a chance to think – but not before she’d figured out how to make her body actually relax.
“My aunty Soana forced me to slow down. I’d get up, go to the gym, then come home and clean the house while she was still asleep. She didn’t like how I would hustle and bustle around the house at 8am every day, so she’d tell me to relax, sleep in or have a cuppa!
“I’d load up the truck with my surfboard, attempt to surf and be absolutely terrible at it, then chill all day. I’d come home to a margarita from aunty, Hawaiian tunes were pumping, and I’d automatically feel so calm, serene and restful. “Aunty Soana is one of the most beautiful people I know. She’s taught me a lot about looking after myself and doing what makes you happy – well, within reason – and always with a Patrón shot or a cocktail in hand,” Maria laughs. And between the surfing attempts and the margarita drinking, Maria found she was at last able to come to a realisation – one that will make netball fans happy.
“Life is about growing and getting to know yourself, and knowing what you can and can’t handle,” she affirms. “And the time away from netball – the game and the girls – made me realise that I can’t handle not being around netball. But I also can’t handle my whole life revolving around it. I need more balance.”
Now with a big grin plastered across her face as she leans against a palm tree in yet another bikini, she’s also discovering an incredible self-acceptance – one born out of some pre-photo shoot insecurities. Yes, Maria Tutaia is human! “I admit I was terribly nervous about this shoot, purely because my body had put on the extra weight,” she says.
“As a woman, in the society we live in and being in the public eye, we’re always expected to front up and look our best. We’re too afraid to show any flaws because instantly we are judged about how we look, how we should look, what we eat, who we hang with, who we’re dating, and ultimately what we dream and wish we look like. We always want what we can’t have. But I’m done with trying to be perfect, so I’m giving myself a break!”
It’s a new attitude that she reckons comes with age and almost makes up for the fact that what goes on, stays on – and, very unfairly, takes twice as long to work off in the gym. “I guess we always want to feel validated, authentic and confident. And there are sacrifices and decisions you have to make that will change the way you feel and the way you look. I didn’t get that before – I only saw the expectation.
“People only remember statistics and the missed shots. I can shoot at 90%, yet if I miss that last shot … But I don’t pay attention to what people say any more.” She continues, “I don’t watch the 6.30pm news …” Well, clearly, as it starts at six. “Does it? Well, there you go!” she replies, laughing. “I’ve grown to take no notice.
“But most importantly, as a proud Samoan/Kiwi growing up in this wonderful country, it’s OK to change. It’s OK to have flaws. We should be empowering one another.”
As we finish the last of our photographs, with the sun beaming bright orange across Samoa’s shores, Maria turns towards the ocean and grins. “I’m in such a positive space and I’m so happy. I’ve learnt a lot about myself. “And I’m ready. It’s netball time and Maria’s here to play. Maria’s here to win!”
