I believe that one of life’s great pleasures is the nap.
It may seem ironic to suggest the best thing about life is to sleep through it, but I think there’s a huge, silent, scared majority of nappers out there waiting for change.
It’s up to me and Garfield to turn things around.
There’s a certain attitude to naps that pervades much of Western culture, a disdain for anyone so slothful as to put head on pillow while there is still daylight.
Luckily, I was born with a genetic condition that gives me extraordinarily heavy eyelids, so when people start judging me, it’s not long before I can’t see them any more.
I think we could improve the respect of the nap if we started to create some traditions and rituals around it. Like cigar smoking.
Cigar smoking is an abhorrent practice. It would have disappeared some time ago if it was just a matter of jamming some dried tobacco in your gob and puffing. It’s not.
There are certain respected ways to perform every aspect of cigar smoking, from purchase to extinguish, that lends it an allure. And that’s for something that’s bad for you. Napping is good for you!
Why not a respectful culture for daytime sleeping? We could start with how long you resist the urge to nap before you lie down. One does not charge straight to the mattress when it is nap o’clock.
First, one must fluff the pillow and aerate the linen. Before sliding the feet between the cotton, one must remove shoe and sock and place them tidily beside the bed. This not only means your foetal nerves are free to locate and enjoy cold patches once lying down, it also heightens the experience of the nap by delaying pleasure.
One must never, NEVER begin a nap in the position one intends to remain. Acceptable practice is to try three or four arrangements, each seemingly more pleasurable than the last, before finally settling your nap posture. At this stage, a large sigh should be emitted to expel remnant stress atoms and indicate to anyone within earshot that you are not interested in doing anything at all for the next two hours.
I see now that this subject deserves far more than one column. There’s a book of nap etiquette in here. Pillow selection and preparation is a whole chapter on its own.
Let’s start by doing away with the pretence of being awake when someone phones you mid-nap. When one is called during an afternoon sleep and asked, “Did I wake you?”, the correct response is not to deny it and over-compensate with vocal energy.
The correct response is, “Yes, you bloody did. This better be important. You have five seconds before I am once again comatose.”
This is the start of the revolution. Now I must go. The pillows are calling.
