TV

Dancing With The Stars is back in all of its bedazzled glory and here's our episode 1 verdict

Forget the dancing, this was all about the costume hits and misses.

Dancing With The Stars returned to our screens for its first live airing last night and it didn't disappoint.

From the opening dance number we received confirmation that it was going to be appointment viewing/car crash television (insert your preference here).

We got a glimpse of all of the contestants when they participated in the opener. Suzy Cato and Robert Rakete showed the most raw talent in our eyes. Marama Fox showed the most personality.

The biggest question mark isn't around the dancers though - it's what on earth were the costume department thinking? There were some absolute shockers.

Roger Farrelly's mesh top was all sorts of wrong. They tried to put former Bachelor Zac Franich in one for the promo shots and it didn't work then - quite why they thought it would work now is beyond us.

More on the costumes later. But they weren't all misses. Act leader David Seymour in a leather jacket was more than worth the price of admission.

We got our first glimpse of the whole cast in the opening dance number.

Robbie Rakete is the first dancer up. In the pre-dance amble he reveals that he's 51 and we do a double take - he's the best looking 51 year old we've seen and all we want to know is, what is that man's secret?!

But then we melt as he tells us he's doing this for his mum who passed away last year. He's choking back tears and so are we.

He steps on the dance floor and we marvel at how he's single handedly making jean jackets with cut off sleeves cool again.

He's got the moves to back it up, but sadly not the scores.

We don't believe this man is 51. He manages to make jean vests cool again - even bedazzled ones.

When social media star Jess Quinn and her dance partner Jonny Williams came out to dance we can't see anything past Jonny's inexplicable Bee Gees meets Last Samurai extra meets bride's nightie outfit. The rest is a blur. Jonny's nipples escape from time to time as his navel baring ensemble struggles to stay in place.

The judges were in awe of Jess's performance. We'll have to take their word for it - we're still getting over the doily Jonny was passing off as a shirt.

Between Jonny's nip-slip and Jess's thigh high split we don't know where to look.

Chris Harris is up next and his dance partner Vanessa jokes that he looks like a rooster during rehearsals but it all falls flat when she hits the dance floor looking like a baby swan. The costume department strikes again.

Not only was Vanessa dressed like a cygnet, her dance moves were reminiscent of an animal kingdom mating ritual.

But the costume department isn't done with their humiliation. Gilda Kirkpatrick looks like she's wearing her sparkly g-string on the outside of her costume.

The judges were kind in not mentioning it, but we know they were thinking it.

From the front Gilda's costume was great, but the back was a different story.

Marama Fox makes her entrance and she's one of the performances of the night in our eyes, although the judges didn't quite agree. Judge Julz Tocker delivers the "he said what?!" moment of the evening by telling her she needs to close her legs. That's one brave man!

Marama Fox is all personality in her performance and in our eyes she should have scored higher.

Shavaughn Ruakere takes to the floor and all the talk is about her catsuit. Everyone from the judges to Dai Henwood fight over who gets to wear it next but really, if they're all honest it was just her breasts anyone could look at. Those things needed a show of their own.

Shav's breasts could headline a show of their own.

Samantha Hayes is lucky to be paired with DWTS alum Aaron Gilmore, who sashayed Lorraine Downes all the way to the winners circle in 2006, but we can't help but giggle as she introduces herself to him by her full name.

By all accounts Sam has got what it takes to go all the way, but again, we were distracted by the costumes. Aaron's tunic looked like it was an offcast from the set of The Tudors.

Velvet is making a comeback if Aaron's tunic is anything to go by.

The next set of 'stars' dance tonight and we're hanging out to see Zac take to the floor. And of course David Seymour who, in a mid-show interview, was rocking a very cool side part.

We never thought we'd use the words 'David Seymour' and 'cool' in the same sentence and tonight we might eat our words but for 24 hours at least he's gone up a notch in our estimation.

Bring on the sequins. But please, for the love of God, no more nip-slips.