The opportunity to step away from the endless carousel of toddler tantrums, threenage antics and tidying up to go out unaccompanied is a major highlight in any mum’s social calendar.
Usually, the hottest dates inked on the family planner are soft play-based birthday parties or doing the supermarket shop without any children. So, it stands to reason that when a group of off-duty mums get within sniffing distance of a drinking establishment, debauchery ensues.
It’s time to let loose, forget about the screaming little people for a second, and enjoy a big glass of wine (or five). Here are 19 things that always go down.
Mums on the town
1.Discussions about where to go become pointless.
Back in your childless days you enjoyed sampling the newest, trendiest bars and restaurants. Now, somewhere that serves alcohol and doesn’t have highchairs is your ONLY stipulation.
2.It takes six weeks to lock in a date
And you almost lose the will to live as you try and co-ordinate diaries ruled by tiny people.
3.You plan the childcare with military precision
Nothing and no one is coming between you and this night out – especially not your offspring or a flaky babysitter!
4.Not since you were 15 have you planned your outfit to this degree
New lippie – check. Bringing your handbag from your past life out of its dust bag. Yep, you’ve still got it, mama!
5.You have painted your nails for the first time since last summer
Each coat had to be fitted in around naptime.
6.You’ll leave the house with the crazed eyes of an escaped prisoner
You’ll also probably have Freedom by George Michael playing in your head.
7.Regardless of whether you planned on ‘just a quick drink’ there will be conversations about moving on to a club by 10pm
Never mind the fact it’s Tuesday, this time may never come again!
8. You haven’t done shots since a hen do, circa 2010, but that won’t stop you
In fact, you’re first to splash out on a round of Jägerbombs.
9. Despite re-packing your handbag to be less kid-friendly, two of you will carry nappies and teething gel
You’ll also each have a pack of baby wipes stashed away.
10. You’ll all be three sheets to the wind by 8.30pm
Excitement + booze = peaking waaaay too early.
11. Despite the fact that thanks to pregnancy, breastfeeding and nocturnal children, alcohol has barely featured in your life recently, you’re still convinced you can drink like you used to
‘Another bottle? Sure!’
12. You’ll all over share
These women will know far more than they could ever possibly want to about your sex life, post baby body and birth experience. Your O/H will be pleased!
13.You are THOSE people who upload countless selfies to Facebook
‘Look, we’re out, and we’re HAVING FUN!’
14.There will be at least one booze-addled conversation about catchment areas
Or baby-led weaning. Or toilet training… or quite possibly all three.
15.By 11pm, a couple of you will be stifling yawns
But this is just more reason to start ordering espresso martinis, right?!
16.Someone is suspiciously not drinking*
Her claims of taking allergy medicine and being ‘on antibiotics’ just rouse suspicion even more.
17.You think it’s funny to heckle your cab driver
… when you wake up the next morning however, you realise it’s really not.
18.Despite saying your night out would be a kid-free zone, someone brings out phone pics of their little darlings
And then you lose an hour to Timehop.
19.Your heels hurt.
Your head hurts. But nothing will be more painful than tomorrow’s hangover with a sound track of Peppa Pig and the relentless noise of energetic children. Hoorah!
