When Deb Haimes met Andrew Landy, she knew she’d found someone special. But a few months into their romance, just as their sons – Deb’s nine-year-old Blake, and Andrew’s two, Tana (9) and Rohan (10) – were getting along famously and their relationship was going from strength to strength, fate threw the new couple a massive curveball, cancer.
“We were feeling our way, as you do, when Andrew first told me he thought something was wrong with him,” tells Deb (34), an Auckland events manager.
After finding a lump in his groin area last May, Andrew (46) headed to the GP, where a hernia was initially found and surgically removed.
That should have been it, but when the pain returned weeks later, the real battle began. With the pain passed off as a post-operative infection, a now very worried Andrew was given antibiotics, but was also referred for an MRI scan and a biopsy. Deb feared the worst.
Then the dreaded call came.
“We’d agreed he would call me with the results and let me know what was happening. So I picked him up and discovered that not only did he have a prostate cancer diagnosis – it was a very aggressive one.”
The couple sat in a local cafe in utter silence struggling to take in this nightmare scenario – trying to comprehend how their idyllic romance could be shattered so quickly and violently – and realising that the effect Andrew’s diagnosis would have on their relationship would be extreme.
Trying to look on the bright side, they were pleased a CT scan indicated the cancer hadn’t spread beyond the immediate prostate area, but there was no doubt immediate action was required.
Surgery was scheduled and in March, Andrew had a radical prostatectomy. The operation was expected to take four or five hours, but having been wheeled into theatre at around 8am, he didn’t emerge until the end of the afternoon.
“It was incredibly complex – it turned out the cancer was in a very awkward place. It was more invasive than the specialist had initially thought, so the lymph nodes surrounding it had to be removed too,” says Deb.
Andrew’s general recovery after surgery was surprisingly quick. Having had time to prepare – with advice from a specialist – he knew to keep exercising his pelvic floor to minimise the incontinence issues that invariably come with a prostatectomy.
“I was very pleased that I only needed to use a pad for about six weeks,” he says. “By and large, that part of things has come right again.”
Deb and Andrew with their boys (from left) Tana, Rohan and Blake.
During this stressful time, Andrew veered between wanting to talk about his experience, then shutting down quietly with his own thoughts, while Deb struggled to cope.
“I’m a real talker. That’s how I deal with things, but it wasn’t always appropriate,” she says.
Another sensitive issue hung over them. Prostate cancer and the related surgery brings the problem of erectile dysfunction.
“Part of the reason that I was in theatre for so long was that my surgeon was trying very hard not to damage the muscle that controls erections,” says Andrew. While he remains confident these problems will dissipate over time, Deb has found this part of their shared experience hard to cope with.
“Because we hadn’t been together for long, it was doubly difficult. We were under such awful stress that I ate a lot and put on weight, so in every way, I worried about whether I was still attractive to Andrew.”
While other partners she’s met through the Prostate Cancer Foundation have been unfailingly kind and supportive, the fact that Andrew was diagnosed as a relatively young man means they often had a different outlook from Deb’s.
“Some seemed to more or less dismiss the effect on their love life – sometimes saying that it isn’t an issue for them, being older, but of course I was in a very different situation.”
As a result, Deb has set about founding a more general – yet complementary – group to help people in her situation.
“We will get together for the first time later this year and as I’m not a trained counsellor, we’ll have a facilitator to get us all on the road.”
She has resolved that Blue September, which promotes prostate awareness, will always be a major annual milestone for the group.
“Kiwi men are often too scared to be checked, yet it’s relatively rare for cancer to appear. These days, a blood test may be all that’s needed to allay any fears,” says Deb. “We want them to empower themselves and just do it!”
To back up her “face the fear” message, Deb will jump out of a plane this month.
“Andrew used to skydive but he has osteoarthritis in his spine, so he can’t any more,” she says. “So I’ll do it in his honour!”
To find out more information about Blue September, click here.
Words: Louise Richardson
