Relationships

When to divorce a friend

It can be hard to tell if a problematic friendship needs an intervention or whether it should end. Here's how you can tell the difference, and the best way to handle it.

When you hit a rocky patch with a close friend, the emotional fallout can be as overwhelming – and heartbreaking – as dealing with a troubled romance. And facing up to it is tricky, no matter how old you are.

No friendship is perfect, of course, and external forces such as career, marriage, babies, divorce and illness test our bonds with those closest to us.

But how do you distinguish between a friendship that requires a little maintenance and one that has reached the point of no return? Here, the experts look at some typical friendship issues and advise the right course to take.

She’s too dependent on you

This is the friend who demands much more of you than you do of her, expects she’ll always be part of your plans, and gets upset or angry when she finds out you’ve spent time with others. And out of guilt you keep trying to placate her.

How to deal with her: Set new boundaries. This kind of behaviour requires early intervention, says Dr Joann Lukins, founder of Peak Performance Psychology.

“Tell your friend, ‘I want to talk to you about when you got cross with me the other day because I had coffee with X’ and explain that you need to spend time with other friends as well, and that you’d like her to give you this space and not be upset or resentful. Then it is up to her how she reacts to it, how she can cope with it and whether it fits with her.”

She doesn’t make an effort

You’re always the one organising the catch-ups and calling or texting to check in, she frequently cancels plans, and the only time she comes to you is when she needs something.

How to deal with her: Speak up.

“If you don’t like the behaviour of your friend because of how it makes you feel, then you need to call them on it,” says Lukins. “Have a direct conversation such as, ‘It was good to catch up today. Next time, how about you organise it and let me know?’” If she doesn’t pick up the ball, you’ll have to accept that she is not a good friend and let it go.

She irritates or embarrasses you

She always has one too many drinks at parties. She was rude to a co-worker you introduced her to. Or she talks too much about her kids.

How to deal with her: If she makes you cringe the majority of the time, let the friendship go. But if you really like her despite these tendencies, talk to her about it.

“One of the ways we support our friends is by calling them out when they’re behaving inappropriately, just as we’d hope someone would do that for us,” notes Lukins. “The key word to keep out of the conversation, though, is ‘but’, such as, ‘I’m saying this to you as a good friend but…’ That ‘but’ negates everything you said before it. Replace it with ‘and’ – ‘You and I have been good friends for a long time and what I want to say is really important to me.’ Hopefully she’ll appreciate your input, or she might get upset – that’s the risk you take.”

She doesn’t fit in with you anymore

You’ve known each other since high school and have shared some amazing landmark moments in life, but as the years have passed you’ve gone in different directions – and these days all you have in common is history.

How to deal with her: Rethink your relationship.

“As women we are inclined to hold onto these legacy friendships because it’s one of those many ‘shoulds’ in our lives,” says Melbourne-based psychologist Melanie Schilling. “But ask yourself if she’s relevant to your current life and make a decision about what degree you continue to let her in.” This, Schilling adds, is more about a mental shift on your part, unless you are prepared to have a confronting conversation with her that may end in tears.

Words: Bonnie Vaughan

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