I’m about to move in with my partner, who I’ve been with for a few years. Despite the fact I’ve lived with a partner before, I really want to make sure that this relationship doesn’t go downhill when the usual domesticity of daily life kicks in. Do you have any advice?
Relate’s Steven Dromgool says:
Such a great question. I call this particular problem the ‘Honey Trap’. When we fall in love we are literally ‘high’ on a series of neurotransmitter PEA (phenylethlamine) and dopamine. This helps ease us through the pretty scary process of being vulnerable with another human being and forming a connection.
The honeymoon is like a taste of what mature love could feel like. The work of relationship is to nurture the connection i.e. to do consciously the things you tend to do unconsciously in the Honeymoon. The Honey Trap is when we expect that we will always feel like we did in the honeymoon – and negatively comparing clearing the dishwasher with a romantic picnic on One Tree Hill. This builds resentment. The antidote to resentment and the escape from Honey Trap is Appreciation.
The most important thing you can do is to make a time every single day where you sit down, hold hands, look into each other’s eyes and say one thing that you genuinely appreciate about your partner. Small is great e.g. I just appreciate that you opened that jam jar, it reminded me how strong you are and willing to help and I just felt supported. You need to do this even when you are mad, sad, busy etc. Make it part of your relationship vows. This helps anchor us from drowning in negativity or indifference.
Opening a jam jar is tiny in the grand scheme of things, but you just taught him that making his strength available to you will make you feel supported. You very positively trained him how to be a success in your world. Using Appreciations transforms mundane behaviours like making a smoothie in the morning into a code that says, I love you, I’m looking out for you, you matter to me.
Relate’s Steven
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Relate Counselling is a specialist relationship counselling service, passionate about helping Kiwi’s build fantastic relationships. We offer couples and individuals relationship therapy and coaching, plus training in Integrated Relationship Therapy for professionals. Find free resources including the Relationship Health Questionnaire on their site here.
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