Relationships

Ask the expert: How to deal with moving location for your partner

In our new exclusive online series, we team up with relationship counsellors, Relate, to bring readers the expert answers to their relationship queries.
Moving countries for your partner

Moving countries for your partner

Moving countries for your partner

I moved to New Zealand for my partner, who I love very much, but do feel that I’m now very dependent on him. Despite being a very independent person in my old life, his friends are now my friends, his family are now my family, and I find myself sometimes resenting this, even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I stop myself from thinking this way and feeling like I’m doing him a favour by being here?

Relate’s Steven Dromgool says:

This is a really great question, and a very common situation given the ability and freedom we have to travel across the globe and meet interesting and wonderful people from the other side of the world. I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that your feelings and your thoughts are not under your voluntary control.

The good news is that underneath those uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, are some really important values and longings that will actually help to strengthen your relationship if you can make space for them.

I imagine that when you are fighting and when times are hard you probably feel lonely and disconnected. I imagine that what you really need and want from your partner is some reassurance and understanding. I imagine that if you were to sit down with your partner at a time when you are not fighting and told him that you really love him and that you really get lonely and homesick sometimes, especially when you fight. I imagine that that would make sense to him.

Then say it would be really helpful for him as soon as possible after the ending of your fight to come and give you a hug and tell you that he loves you and that he wants to be a safe harbour for you when you are homesick, and that it would help you feel supported in the very real challenges of living on the other side of the world from your family then what you will have done is given him a positive way to be successful with you in your relationship. You will also have mapped out a pathway to repair when you disconnect.

Key takeaway point: Every couple has uncomfortable feelings and fights. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is their ability to repair after their fight. A relationship goal for successful relationship is to become masters (and mistresses) of quick and loving repairs.

Relate’s Steven

If you’d like to submit a question to Relate for this series, email us on [email protected]. Your details can be kept anonymous.

Relate Counselling is a specialist relationship counselling service, passionate about helping Kiwi’s build fantastic relationships. We offer couples and individuals relationship therapy and coaching, plus training in Integrated Relationship Therapy for professionals. Find free resources including the Relationship Health Questionnaire on their site here.

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